Incoherent Ramblings

Where's my vacation?

2011-07-17T18:57:00.000-04:00

We had a good time on vacation, but it went much too quickly. Too many places to go in too short a period of time. Add to that the sad loss of my cousins 10 year old son and the all day funeral. Not exactly a great way to wind down the trip, but I'm so happy we were in the area to be able to attend and see all the relatives.

I spoke to mom on Friday and for the first time did not hold back. I explained to her that I am no longer going to accept all the bs talk about my brothers and their families. We are all entitled to our opinions, but they are my blood and I'm not going to quietly listen to anyone speak badly of them. Not exactly what she wanted to hear I'm sure, but I needed to stand up for them and for myself. Hopefully I won't cave any time soon.

Still not finished with the nightmare remodel. This is THE worst foreman ever! Lazy doesn't even come close to describing him and he blames everyone for everything. There is paint in the grout! Seriously dude, can't you understand you are foreman were responsible for making sure your subcontractors protected the new floors? YOU, no one else, but I guess it's pretty hard to do that when you aren't even around when they are painting!

I worked 4 days last week and didn't get home until 11:30 p.m. on Tuesday. No wonder I am still exhausted and ready for a real vacation! lol Might need to squeeze one in with hubby next month. Wonder if he will be willing to take time off for me without planning it around a race. Hmmm, stay tuned. :)

Too much

2011-06-16T10:49:00.000-04:00

My chest is aching again. Don't know if it is my boob or my heart! lol It's kinda in my neck but down a bit so who knows?

All the kid drama is stressing me too much. Jake and his woman. Joe and his anger. Jay and his truck surfing. TOO MUCH

Mom and her divorce is making me nuts too. I am afraid of what's going to happen when we go away in a couple weeks. I don't know if I can actually relax or if I will just be more stressed.

I'm trying to start on the OA workbook but not sure I can at this point in the game.

I just need to relax and let go.

Frustrating

2011-06-13T14:29:00.000-04:00

So I call my mom's phone this morning to check up on her. This is the phone that I bought and pay for since her husband left her. Who answers it but said husband. The one who is demanding a divorce yet has spent more time with her in the last 5 weeks than when they were living together. When asked, he says of course he still wants the divorce. He wants to be free. WTF is that all about?

In addition to him spending so much time with her, he has brainwashed her again and will be getting everything the way he wants it in the divorce. He gets 10 assets to her 5. He is taking the $140,000 in "his" savings and she gets her $80,000. He keeps all shares of all businesses and she gets zero. He has the "gift" from his girlfriend to drive, Lexus worth $26,000, and mom gets the cadillac worth $9,000. BUT he wants everything to be split evenly. Seriously, he is warped and has her feeling like he is the only one who cares about her best interests.

All the hours I spent going back and forth trying to take care of things for her, looking up values on the internet etc., was a complete waste of my time not to mention the money I missed from not working.

Oh yeah, he's in charge and running everyone's life. HA

Thursday I get another call from Ms. Drunk Princess ordering me to tell my parents to stop driving on her property. Yelling at me for not acknowledging her sons graduation and her daughter's 17th birthday. How dare I! Um, did I know he graduated because you sure in the hell did not send us an announcement! Danny is really good about sending those things out and making sure I get the right cards and neither one of us got an announcement. Yeah, he saw it on FB but since I am no longer friends with any of my family members, I didn't have a clue.

I'm frustrated because I have gained more weight since starting to go to OA instead of being inspired to lose. I'm not binging anymore but still eating too much crap obviously. Whatever! Not really because I not only need to lose weight for my health, I'm tired of feeling so horrible about how I look in my clothes.

Jake is having major female problems, Joey is rarely coming home and drinking more and Jason surprised me on Friday by coming home for the weekend. Overall I am extremely blessed and just need to stop life frustrate me. Sure.......

Reality check

2011-05-29T21:46:00.000-04:00

What an eye opening day. Let me first say I know how lucky I am in so many ways. I know this and am eternally grateful for my boys our health and their love. Now on to my pity party.

We stopped by the camper on our way back from seeing Jay. Joe & wifey were there. Naturally she shot me daggers, but I tried to be civil and spoke first. I did the right thing. Then we went to the barn to see Joe. I tried to give him a hug & basically got the cold shoulder. I continued to try to be the same as usual but was getting the distinct impression he was only tolerating me for hubby's sake. I decided to go next door and give them time alone. I went back about 20 min later & when hubby walked over to the neighbor I asked Joe if he got my text messages. Yes he did. I told him we just wanted to make sure he gets the black car. He said he doesn't want anything. I said okay. He goes on to say he isnt going to say anything cuz he has nothing good to say. I quietly say okay. He continues and says he thinks we dont need to discuss anything. He tells me if mom needs anything I should tell her to call him. I have been cut out of his life.

Right now I feel like I am being punished for trying to stay neutral and for trying to get everyone to remember the good things about the others & to remember when all of this is over we are still family and dont have to see eye to eye on every thing. I feel like I have to choose one family member over the other. I cannot do that. So now what? How do I move on? This is pushing me back into that dark hole it took me years to get out of. I feel like I dont deserve anything better. I want to get in that hole, cover myself up & never come back out.

I feel like the more I try to do the right thing and the more I try to get my family to look at the others sides, the more I'm misunderstood and thought to be choosing sides. I just want my family all back together like it was before the wench my dad is living with came into our lives. Never before have my brothers hated me like this. Never before have I felt like a complete outsider. All because I have tried to honor my moms wish that we not take sides. There are so many moments that I think it is just not worth it. So many times I want to just stop trying to do the right thing. I know I wont because that is just who I am.

Instead, I come here, vent and cry and try to get a new outlook to be able to move forward and deal with yet another day full of loneliness, pain, anger and resentment without actually showing those feelings to anyone. Gotta hide the truth at all costs to protect mom. What a freaking nightmare. When are we going to just wake up from this and be able to sit around the campfire and joke about it? Oh yeah, never again.

Moving on

2011-05-11T11:37:00.000-04:00

I got a call from my father on Monday. He heard I was sick and decided to call me. Hm, so much for not having my number to tell me happy birthday. When he heard my voice he knew I wouldn't be able to talk much and he said he was sorry about that because he really wanted to talk to me. So, he hears I'm sick and thinks what, that I'm weak because I'm sick and it would be a good time to talk to me? Whatever.

I'm happy that he made the effort no matter how lame it may have been.

I got a good look at myself in a mirror this weekend and realized I am huge. Not a good thing anyway I look at it and I know I must do something about it right away. Too bad I don't seem to have the will power to stay away from food I know is bad for me. I'm considering going to an OA meeting tonight to see if that could help. I'm not sure where else to turn from here.

I would like to be at a healthier weight for our family reunion in July, but we'll see if that is even remotely possible.

I'm not taking care of myself because I've been so focused on my mom. Not good for me, but I feel like there is no one else for her. None of her boys called her on Mother's Day. How freaking lame is that. The alcoholic princess sent another nasty email to her in response to a Happy Mother's Day message mom sent her. I feel so bad for my brother and her children that she can't see what the alcohol is doing to her. She was such a caring person at one time and now all she seems to care about is harboring hate toward us. I wish she would seek treatment, but she doesn't think she has a problem.

Work is only good because I'm off in my own little office. No one to bother me and actual file cabinets to be able to start to get myself organized. I'd love to have everything put where it belongs all the time. I'm getting there slowly. I have so very much to catch up on first so I don't file away a bunch of things I really do not need to keep. I don't want to purchase new furniture until I know exactly what will be the most beneficial for me to do my job most efficiently.

Slowly but surely I may be able to move forward with a few things in my world. Don't want to think about the kid stuff right now or I may just lose it so I'll stay focused on getting my work in order.

It's Over

2011-04-20T22:00:00.000-04:00

I called my father last night to ask about the surgery. He lied, no shock. And he hung up on me again.

Glutton for punishment that I am, I stopped by to see him tonight. He has surgery on his shoulder. He immediately started yelling at me. Complaining that I was a bitch to him Saturday. He said I just have to get used to the fact that he has found someone who takes care of him because I never was there for him. Went on to say I turned him down when he asked for help. I started walking away but turned around and said I wanted to say one thing. He basically told me to shut up but I went on. I said, "When we sat out here last year and you told me you were afraid of losing your daughter" he turned away and started to go in the house but I finished "I didn't know you meant you were going to abandon me." The dog was trying to get out to see me and he was shooing her in so I continued and told him I loved him.

It is over. I know that now. It is tearing me apart, little by little. I feel like I have no one to talk to about it and no one to comfort me. I've lost my daddy and didn't do anything wrong. I know it is the same for my mom and telling her just makes me feel worse. I just hate what has become of my family because of that woman.

Crazy

2011-04-17T08:32:00.000-04:00

Had to take mom over to see dad and the dog. What a stressful day. I want to scream, yell, hit him and hug him all at the same time. He's my daddy, good or bad, I love my daddy. I was so upset I couldn't even say anything to him. I know he took that as me being mad, but I was not going to allow him to see me sob. I looked and looked for some sign of remorse for shutting me out of his life, but didn't see anything. That was heartbreaking.

I walked around the neighborhood and sat out in the neighbors yard to give them some privacy. All I kept hearing out of his mouth was, "I told Doris..." and every time I heard that, I had to walk away and cry. How insensitive can you be to constantly remind your wife of 56 years that someone else is now the one he confides in. I almost lost it when I heard him tell her that he has finally found someone to take care of him! WTF?!? Are you serious? Get real.

Through it all, mom has remained strong and caring as I would expect because she has more class on her little finger nail than dippy doris ever will. Or me for that matter!

Divorce

2011-04-16T08:30:00.000-04:00

I took mom to see a lawyer yesterday. I have no clue what she will end up doing, but she is leaning toward filing for the divorce to be able to move on with her life. I can't blame her but the bs he will mouth off because she does the filing may be more than any of us can deal with.

I am staying out at the house. what a strange feeling. Such a huge house for one person to ramble around in. No wonder mom was going crazy here. I have so much to do to begin getting rid of their belongings so we can get the house staged properly to sell. So many antiques and other junk!

I listened to the messages that were left on the machine to see if the realtor called and found out my father is having surgery on Monday. Great, do I tell his wife or not? Obviously he doesn't want her or any of his blood relatives to know, but what if something happens. Could I live with my decision if I didn't let mom know ahead of time? Such a flipping dilemma.

Better get moving. I'm taking mom to a bunch of new to us thrift stores this morning and then she wants to go to the girlfriends house to see dad and the dog. Joy, joy, fun, fun.....NOT

Half of April down the tube

2011-04-14T10:27:00.000-04:00

I have been trying to make time to post but life keeps getting in my way.

Joey hit a tree Saturday night/Sunday morning. It has been harder on me as usual because I know that is going to completely alter the plans he has been working to achieve. He can't move to Orlando with Jason now because it's going to be $1,500 to get it fixed. The car isn't really worth it but hubby told them to go ahead with the work. That cause a huge blow up between him and I. It was exactly something my dad would have and actually did to me. Brings up way too many bad memories to add to the mix.

Mom is going to see an attorney tomorrow to begin the process of protecting her assets and see if she can get some financial assistance. Of course I'm the one going over to go with her. Then we are going to stay at the house for the weekend to begin the process of selling their collectibles and making the house more sell-able. It's in great condition but with all the "things" it doesn't show as well as it needs to. Not to mention the listing agent is worthless and it took me over an hour to find the listing online and I know the address!

I'm going out with the girls tonight and looking forward to that before the stress I'm going to have to deal with over the weekend.

Back to the grindstone here at work now. I will never stand a chance of catching up if I don't keep at it.

Oops

2011-03-21T15:01:00.002-04:00

It appears it may not have been a false alarm on Saturday. Joey called to tell me that the screen on my bedroom shower window is out and it looks like someone was trying to pry it open. Nice.

Add to that, Joey is failing math. More money wasted on something I cannot control but it still affects my daily life.

I want to cry about all of it, but that won't solve a thing. More and more stress. Exactly what I do not need in my life, but what I have an abundance of.

March Madness

2011-03-20T18:57:00.002-04:00

This has been one of the most crazy months ever.

Starting on the 1st, dad leaves mom and doesn't have the guts to tell her. He expected me to do that too. What a wonderful birthday present to give your wife of 56 years.

The 3rd she decides she will need to move to assisted living but will wait till after the baby shower on the 12th.

I go to start helping her pack on the 5th only to find out she wants to move immediately. The shower gets changed to the 19th.

I spend the next 10 days running back and forth moving her in and getting things for her crackerbox of a home. On the 9th Danielle sends me an email via Danny about how someone shared with her my facebook exchanges with Chris regarding a conversation she and I had, and she forwarded them to both her teenagers and my brother. WTF? She is so delusional when she is drunk. It was my last straw and I called and confronted her. It ended with her hanging up on me and I called back and left a message about how rude that was.

On the 14th I get an email from Angela stating she deleted me because of all the nasty facebook posts about our family. Never mind not one of them was from me, I get retaliated against again.

March 15th I feel I need to deactivate facebook because of so much hate from my supposed family.

Danny goes over on the 16th to pick her up and bring her to our house for our birthday party at the casino. The party is okay but much of a blur since I'm so exhausted.

Happy 49th to me on the 17th. NOT!!! Started the day with a text from my oldest brother so I'm hopeful. Chris calls to talk to mom and then realizes its my bday and does remember to wish my a happy day. Breakfast out at 10 with mom, Jake & Danny before Jake goes off for his 16 hour day at work. Didn't get back home until 6:30. Joey got fed up and went to a friends house and wasn't accepting my calls. Calls from a couple friends wondering what happened to my facebook account. Unfortunately, my own father didn't see fit to call me on my birthday. How sad is that. After his sob story about how he didn't want to lose his only daughter back in October. What a crock of shit.

Spent the 18th making diaper cakes for the shower and trying like crazy to get everything done. Took mom home at 9pm and had to spend $110 on a motel since my family has all disowned me and mom can't have overnight guests.

Shower was a complete bomb in my eyes. Told there would be 60 - 70 people. Maybe 20 total showed up throughout the whole thing. Too much money wasted. Mentally and physically exhausted only to receive a call on my 2 hour drive back home that the alarm at home was going off and the master bedroom window was broke into. Thankfully it appears to be a false alarm as nothing was broken and nothing is missing.

Today I have a horrid headache and just want to sleep. I'm depressed and exhausted. I'm eating like a maniac trying to drown my sadness with food. Wish I didn't destroy myself like this every time. I'm the only one who suffers when I do this. Wish I could stop feeling sorry for myself and get skinny for a change.

Tomorrow it's back to work and more stress. April better be better!

Hmmmm

2011-02-08T10:49:00.002-05:00

Today isn't starting off any better than yesterday. Hmmmm, what am I missing? There must be something I'm supposed to be learning out of this but right now I'm not seeing it.

I really did want the day to be better. I guess it's still early enough for things to turn around. Damn I'm hoping so. I need to stop the emotional roller coaster and get my work done already. I need to turn on the ipod and turn off the rest of the world. Too bad my officemate won't go for that.

Smile
Laugh
Giggle
Joke
Fart
Babies
Sunny days
Vacations

Trying to think of things to change the mood.........

Time to start...

2011-02-07T21:42:00.004-05:00

What a bad way to start the week and I thought with my Packers winning it would be great.

Only lost 1/2 pound but with the party Saturday and Superbowl yesterday it really is understandable.

Crappy meeting at corporate first thing this morning. How freaking lame and another waste of time.

Still fighting to get all decisions final for the remodel at work. I was over it in December and now am just ready to puke.

More work added to my plate when I cannot even come close to getting done all that I already have.

Got into it with Mom this afternoon because I couldn't keep quiet any more. She has decided to stay there. She says most of the time he is good to her and he provides for her. I told her I'm tired of hearing my brothers being blamed for everything and him nothing. I told her he has torn our family apart and I feel like their kids don't mean anything to them. I just let it out. Not all of it, but a lot. Didn't do any good. Made it worse and now I feel even more guilty.

Mike started his "I'm staying out of it" bullshit again while we were meeting with the architect, all the while stating very clearly just exactly what he thinks of our decisions and what he wants. Shut the f up already. We are so sick of hearing the words with the opposite action. Enough. I got really pissy with him and told him I really and truly do not care anymore, that I cannot take one more thing.

Danny decided to junk the truck but left my stuff in it. All my shelves for my stamps. Of course he didn't care, it wasn't his stuff.

If I didn't have so damn much work to do, I would take off tomorrow. Don't know what I would do exactly, but I do not want to go in. I'm pretty sure I will come undone and say things I normally wouldn't.

I think it is time to start the week over and try to have a better ending.

Decisions Make Me Crazy

2011-01-31T08:26:00.003-05:00

How hard is it to find this thing? Shouldn't be too hard, right? Ha! Only if your brain isn't' full of bs from the rest of the crap making you too crazy to think straight. Why must I think my blog is on wordpress? Well my booklist is and that seems to be the only way I can find this one. Crazy I know, but it is what it is.

Friday I'm told mom is buying her own place and moving out. Sunday it's all changed. WTF is going on with this family of mine. Yesterday Dad acted like nothing has happened over the last year. Everything is hunky dory according to his behavior last night. Well except for the fact that 3 of his children are complete and utter scum in his eyes and I'm expected to listen to how terrible they all are without saying anything different. Seriously? Is this the same person how beat into our heads that blood is thicker than water and no matter what you stand up for your family, personal feelings aside because they are blood. WTF I am beyond confused when it comes to what is right and what is wrong.

I have firmly believed that my fingerprints are something to protect. I have refused to bank where they are required or participate in any other things/activities requiring them. Now suddenly I'm being forced to go against my personal convictions and be fingerprinted or lose my job. I have practically made myself sick over it. I've tried to figure out why I feel so strongly about it and determine why everyone is fine with it and yet I am so adamantly against it. Not sure, I just know I am and in less than 2 hours I am going to be tested as to whether I am willing to give up my employment for my personal beliefs. I'm overly stressed by this job and stress is so not good for my MS so perhaps this is the push to get me to quit. Quit and I lose my health insurance and since I'm not insurable because of the MS, that is a big deal. I lose the income to make my car payment, buy our groceries, pay for Joe's books, buy our clothes, etc. What kind of choice is that?

In my quest to try to come to terms with all of the fingerprinting crap, I ran across WikiHow and found this, "The wonderful thing about character and integrity, which are intimately related, is that they're one of the few things in life that no one will ever be able to forcefully take away from you. Your choices are your own. Even if someone can take your life, they can't force you to make a choice that you believe is wrong".

Do I believe fingerprinting is wrong? I feel that fingerprints are the only thing that can 100% identify us, even DNA isn't as accurate as fingerprints. If I allow them to fingerprint me, what is going to happen to them? Where do they go? Who has access to them? What are they being used for? I do not get to have the answers to any of these questions but I am supposed to just freely give my identity away without questioning it. That I feel is wrong. I don't think "big brother" needs my fingerprints. It is just an invasion of my privacy and it's taking away my freedom in a sense. I sort of feel that if I cave, I will forever be scarred and my life will spiral out of control into a black hole. I don't want to go back there, I've fought too hard to climb out of it and stay out of it. If fingerprinting was required back in 1999 when I first started working here, I could have made the choice at that time. To now be forced to have a background check and fingerprints is an insult to me. Not the first time this place has insulted me so I shouldn't be surprised.

Incoherent Ramblings is so appropriate today. I'm rambling to try to work this out in my head. At least I've stopped bawling...for the moment anyway. 15 minutes till they are supposed to be here to begin printing. What to do..........

Finally found it!

2011-01-23T10:34:00.002-05:00

When my laptop was accidentally dropped, I lost all my info. I hadn't realized just how much I depended on that thing to keep track of my life and information.
Thanks to Kathy's invitation, I decided to try to find my "missing links" and work on getting this stuff out of my brain. I've always been amazed by how much putting my thoughts down helps me calm down. Sometimes even more than my meds! lol So hopefully putting them down again can help get my blood pressure back to a normal reading or at least closer. The other thing I found was that I tend to come to better decisions when I put my thoughts down and take time to mull them over.

Foremost on my mind is my parents. I don't think I will ever be able to understand how you can walk away from your spouse of 56 years, especially knowing she is dependent on assistance. How do you do that and still be able to sleep nights? How can you blame your family for not wanting to associate with you after such actions? And family how can you blame her for staying with him when her feelings didn't change and he's the only one she has ever loved? I just want to turn the clock back and change one thing so the hurt isn't there. I want to make it all okay for mom and not have to be the one who had to bring such sadness to her. Maybe it is the guilt that won't let me come to a reasonable decision. I just know I need to take some action to start the healing process for our family.

Work should be getting better now that the finishes have been sent to the cabinet maker and we have picked out everything except the accent wall. I just want that monkey completely off my back so I can focus on my real work and try to catch up so I can actually go on vacation without worrying about the mountain of work piling up. Ha ha ha ha, I'm so funny sometimes!

Jake needs to get a job and a vehicle so he can move forward in life. Why did God give me a twin of his father? I don't want to raise that one again. It was too heartbreaking the first time around and I was MUCH younger then. Hubby just doesn't seem to remember what he was like at that age and is so very critical. When I remind him of what he did at the exact same age, he either says it didn't happen or gives me a crazy look. At least I know there is hope if I stay strong and keep pushing. Wears me out though.

I still can't believe the damn drug company left us hanging and I may have to find another treatment for the MS. I have 1 more week of pills and can't get a hold of the office to get some help. Hopefully I can make some headway on that tomorrow.

Joey broke up with his wifey yesterday so things are really touchy with him now. I just hope it doesn't effect his schooling. He needs straight A's to pull his GPA up. Not going to happen I'm afraid.

It all wears me out, but hopefully by writing it out, I can clear my mind to focus on other things I need to do. Funny!

Which is worse?

2009-12-09T06:55:00.003-05:00

I'm constantly exhausted. There is a difference between being tired and exhaustion. I'm beyond tired these days.

I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Too much to do, too little time to do it.

Add those two together and I never seem to get anything accomplished. Which of them is the worse monster? Which of them can I begin to tackle? Can I really begin to make changes when I am exactly where I was?

Now add my parents. Dad was supposed to have knee replacement yesterday but it was postponed until next Tuesday because he didn't stop his blood thinners. Who is going to help out? Their only daughter of course. But Jay is graduating from college next Friday in another city. We've been planning for that for months. Family time, fun, celebration. Who is going to take my place at my parents?

Let's throw in hubby's parents. They will be coming here to stay the beginning of January for the Orange Bowl. I love my inlaws but I'm not even remotely ready for house guests that I wasn't planning for until March. Did I forget to mention they will be back then, with brother & sister inlaw...staying here?

Of course that isn't all. Hubby will be off the 2 weeks of the Christmas holiday because the schools are shutting down. He is planning on closing in the game room to make a guest room. Does anyone remember my hubby? The guy who believes duct tape is the best tool in the universe? Moving electricity and building a wall do not seem like something you want duct tape involved in.

What about Squeak? He is finishing school in January. Then I will have 2 high school graduates living here, not working and.... not going to college?

What about Christmas? What about my studying for the exam I wanted to take in January? What about that stupid job I will now HAVE to go to everyday because, hubby can't afford to keep me on his insurance so I will be paying for it through my job now.

Is the mental stress worse than my physical problems or are they working hand in hand to sabotage me? lol

Where do I begin? How do I start? What do I eliminate to keep my sanity?

The saddest part is that I am so very fortunate because so many others are much worse off than I am.

Is it too late to start

2009-12-08T11:20:00.002-05:00

I'm going to try to make a lot of changes. Not all at once, but slow and steady. Starting with a new blog for normal things.

Is anything in my life normal? Well a girl can dream can't she?

Now what

2009-08-20T09:39:00.003-04:00

I felt somewhat better after spewing my insides yesterday. Only somewhat. I left here at noon and went to lunch with my boys, an old friend & her kids. It was so amazing to see how much all had grown in the last 8 years. The sad part is they only live about a mile from us. We caught up with each other, were shocked, amazed and appalled at everything we've missed. Then I went food shopping with Squeak. $200 at Costco. I did not have that money to spend, but I gotta feed the family. Then I played on FB for a while before studying.

I read my comments and thank you both for caring.

I have a little insight into part of the reason I feel my kids have gone the paths they have. I'm not 100% sure I'm ready to voice some of it.

Fred was supposed to take his College Placement Test, many times this summer. Now he tells me that there are 8 pages that need to be filled out before they will even okay it for him to take it. School starts Monday. WTF is he thinking of?

I get to leave work, AGAIN, to take care of this. Not that I want to stick around here, but still.

Spewing

2009-08-19T08:22:00.003-04:00

I have so much anger lately. I HATE my job. Well not really, I hate the bs that constantly goes on here. I hate that the office manager doesn't do her job and sticks me with it 8 times out of 10. I hate that 1 doctor does anything, any way that he wants and that the other 1 lets him. I hate that they constantly speak Spanish knowing full well that it is insulting to me. I hate that I get stuck fixing all the messes created by stupidity. I hate that 1 MA gets everything the way she wants and doesn't do anything she's supposed to. I hate feeling trapped here because they will be laying off 23 more at hubby's job and since he took that new position he's low on the totem pole again even though he's been there 20 years. I hate that we have spent all of our savings getting Jay through college and Fred out of trouble. I hate all this hate inside of me.

I want to scream and yell at everyone in this office. I want to tell them to do their flipping job the way it is supposed to be done and stop worrying that it's not "their" job. I want to tell them to own up to what they do and stop lying about it.

I want to run away.

Trying to come to grips with failures

2009-08-18T20:40:00.002-04:00

Drug court may work. I'm still undecided. Going to AA meetings I am pretty sure doesn't. I am 85% sure Jake is done with drugs & 100% sure alcohol is still his buddy.

He's working nights and sleeping days. Hasn't taken his CPT for a million reasons most which start with "You didn't..." or "Since you're making me work..." But he's currently not doing drugs.

Hubby's 30th year reunion is at the end of this month and since we are afraid to leave our 17 & 18 year old kids home alone, we are not going. I never imagined that I'd be more tied down when my kids were older. How did this happen. Where did I go so wrong?

Silly question, I know how this happened and it tears me up inside knowing I could have stopped it. I also know that blaming won't change things or make it better but I needed to get it out. I have all these things jammed inside me. I have not been able to voice them and that is beginning to be a problem so I thought I'd try writing it down and see if that helps.

Needs

2009-06-14T23:02:00.002-04:00

I really should get back to blogging. I need to unload my brain but right now I'm not up for it. I need to focus on passing this test but my heart isn't into it. I need to lose weight but I seem to be at a standstill. I need to quit missing so much work but between doctor appointments, kid stuff, running to Naples and my own illness I don't see that happening soon. I need to go to bed.

That I can do.

Too many teenagers

2009-02-05T10:35:00.002-05:00

I have 2 teenagers at home that I gave birth to. I have a lot of conflict, trauma, drama, stress, headaches, etc. from them. They are my flesh and blood so I feel that I don't have a choice when it comes to them.

They frequently bring teenage friends to the house and occasionally they have issues that I get 'involved' in. Some of them I want to slap and ask them to act their age and not like babies. I like them to feel welcome and safe in my home so I deal with their issues.

That's enough teenage troubles for one person as far as I'm concerned but obviously I'm wrong.

I have an office full of teenagers that I'm stuck with. Not in age mind you, in behavior.

They act dumb.
Employee: Can you do this, I don't know how. In a whiny voice no less!
Me: Um, isn't that something you've been doing for the last month? At least you were supposed to be.
Employee: But it's too hard to figure out, so I haven't done it. You can do it.
Me: Hello, it's your job and I already have WAY too many to add another.

They bicker and make catty comments under their breath toward others. This of course causes more issues.

They don't do their job. The copier has to be filled with paper each night before we leave. The middle receptionist is responsible to do it. I can't even begin to count how many mornings I've come in to an empty machine which means the reports did not get printed overnight.

They gang up on 1 employee and constantly find faults with that person and pick at them. It's not always the same person being ganged up on either. One week they will talk shit about you and the next you're their buddy in slamming another.

These are mothers. They all have children of their own, with the exception of 1.

I feel like I can't get away from teenage behavior and am ready to walk out.

Is he serious?

2009-02-04T08:55:00.000-05:00

So this morning, Squeak tells me he wants to change schools.

Didn't we just do this on Monday?

I'd like to crawl under a rock.

2009-02-03T10:51:00.001-05:00

So Squeak started a new school yesterday. I had really high hopes. I felt that he was going to have a new start and could ultimately pull all his grades back up so he could attend college this summer as previously planned. Before the drugs.

You know what they say about the best laid plans…….

Last night he totaled the Jeep. No one was hurt thankfully. He was doing a favor for a friend. Taking his girlfriend home. A kid I told him to not have in his vehicle because the dad asked me to help keep the kid from access to trouble.

I just got a call from the assistant principal at the new school. Squeak could be suspended. He didn’t arrive at school until 2nd hour and then was caught walking around with “known” troublemakers who are now being suspended.

I started school again last night, before getting the accident call. It’s a class to study for taking the test to become a registered MT. If I can pass that, I’ll go for the certified MT. At this rate, who knows.

Things

2009-01-11T21:45:00.002-05:00

Took this from a really great person!

Things you’ve already done: bold
Things you want to do: italicize
Things you haven’t done: leave in plain font

1. started your own blog
2. slept under the stars
3. played in a band
4. visited hawaii
5. watched a meteor shower
6. given more than you can afford to charity
7. been to disneyland/world
8. climbed a mountain
9. held a praying mantis
10. sang a solo
11. bungee jumped
12. visited paris
13. watched a lightning storm at sea
14. taught yourself an art from scratch
15. adopted a child
16. had food poisoning
17. walked to the top of the statue of liberty
18. grown your own vegetables
19. seen the mona lisa in france
20. slept on an overnight train
21. had a pillow fight
22. hitch hiked
23. taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. built a snow fort
25. held a lamb
26. gone skinny dipping
27. run a marathon
28. ridden a gondola in venice
29. seen a total eclipse
30. watched a sunrise or sunset
31. hit a home run
32. been on a cruise
33. seen niagara falls in person
34. visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. seen an amish community
36. taught yourself a new language
37. had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. seen the leaning tower of pisa in person
39. gone rock climbing
40. seen michelangelo’s david in person
41. sung karaoke
42. seen old faithful geyser erupt
43. bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant
44. visited africa
45. walked on a beach by moonlight
46. been transported in an ambulance
47. had your portrait painted
48. gone deep sea fishing
49. seen the sistene chapel in person
50. been to the top of the eiffel tower in paris
51. gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. kissed in the rain
53. played in the mud
54. gone to a drive-in theatre
55. been in a movie
56. visited the great wall of china
57. started a business
58. taken a martial arts class
59. visited russia
60. served at a soup kitchen
61. sold girl scout cookies
62. gone whale watching
63. gotten flowers for no reason
64. donated blood
65. gone sky diving
66. visited a nazi concentration camp
67. bounced a check
68. flown in a helicopter
69. saved a favorite childhood toy
70. visited the lincoln memorial
71. eaten caviar
72. pieced a quilt
73. stood in times square
74. toured the everglades
75. been fired from a job
76. seen the changing of the guard in london
77. broken a bone
78. been on a speeding motorcycle
79. seen the grand canyon in person
80. published a book
81. visited the vatican
82. bought a brand new car
83. gained/ lost weight
84. had your picture in the newspaper
85. read the entire bible
86. visited the white house
87. texted while driving
88. had chickenpox
89. saved someone’s life
90. sat on a jury
91. met someone famous
92. joined a book club
93. lost a loved one
94. had a baby
95. seen the alamo in person.
96. have pets.
97. been involved in a law suit
98. owned a cell phone
99. been stung by a bee

Particles of ?

2009-01-10T23:16:00.002-05:00

I went to the auction tonight with 2 friends and had a blast. We laughed, joked around, spent money and just had a really great time. Even though I didn't sleep much last night, I'm having a terrible winding down. I don't think I'll get much in the way of sleep tonight either at this rate.

Fred got ANOTHER ticket last night. How many does it take to get it through his thick skull to slow down? This is #3. He got his license in August. WTF He is definitely keeping his attorney in business. He better get a job or start walking cuz his bills are adding up.

Hubby is away at a race. He gets back tomorrow night. Monday afternoon I go to get my heart test results. Tuesday evening I leave for the camper. Wednesday is our 20th anniversary. Thursday. hubby is bringing the boys up to the camper. I think Friday is currently plan-less but that will probably change tomorrow.

There are hundreds of things floating around in my brain right now which is probably part of the reason I don't feel tired even though I should. I was going to write about some of the fun/funny things that have been going on the last couple of days but can't remember. I hate when that happens and it does quite frequently. I would like to blame it on the floating things in my brain, but know it's not that.

Since I'm not making any sense to me, I'm outta here. Facebook is calling my name. More mindless things.

Evil Smile

2009-01-09T21:15:00.002-05:00

Progress is not exactly what I think we've made but I don't feel like we're taking 1 step forward and 2 back. According to Fred he smoked New Year's Eve and Squeak has been frequently. Of course he told me this when he was totally pissed at Squeak but anything is possible.

I've been trying to come home from work earlier each day to have some me time before all hell breaks lose. 3 out of 4 days this week I did and felt so much better. My biggest problem is that I get involved in something and don't realize what time it is, before I know it I hear everyone clocking out and realize I've put in 9 to 10 hours. Of course I won't complain about the money, but I need to be more careful of my stress level and do more for me.

My parent's anniversary is tomorrow. It's over 50 years but I don't remember exactly how many past. Hubby and I are celebrating our 20th on Wednesday. That's 20 for the second marriage. Not too bad considering we made it 2 the first time around! We won't be doing anything since I'll be out of town and he is right now. We already celebrated while the kids were away. Ahhh such sweet memories of peace and quiet, so far from tonight.

I've got my cardio appt. Monday to get my results. I leave Tuesday night for the camper. Ahh, peace and quiet again! Bad mommy! I'd like nothing better than to hide for a year or two! Okay, not seriously, but it does bring a smile to my face. Maybe an evil smile, but a smile none the less. :)

The Honeymoon is OVER

2009-01-04T23:50:00.002-05:00

I never realized how thoroughly the stress my 2 teens lavish on me, effects every part of my being until it wasn't. They have been home less than 30 minutes and already my chest is aching, my legs are tingling and my hand is going numb. I had 3 'altercations' with Squeak because I wanted to hug him and see what was on his forehead. Fred has already told me just how wrong I am and refuses to go to bed. Who cares that he has to leave for school in a mere 6 hours, certainly not him.

I'm teary eyed and am forcing myself to not go check their luggage for drugs. Those we love the most, sure can hurt us the most.

I must get to sleep or my stress test will be harder than it needs to be.

Marital Harmony?

2009-01-03T21:54:00.004-05:00

Today hubby and I went to look for tile and fixtures for the boys bathroom. We are going to re-do it. We went to Home Depot, the Habitat for Humanity re-store, and Sears to look for things.

We have really been having a great time together.

We're planning to sell the house and move in about 10 years and need to re-do the bathrooms before then. I'd rather do it now and enjoy the update instead of waiting until we get ready to move and "waste" the money for someone else.

We decided to completely gut the kids bathroom and add a small linen closet. Our bathroom we still have a lot of discussing, measuring, and pricing before we decide what we want to do in there. It's really interesting how we've been able to agree on so many things. We never like the same things. We never thing the same things will work. Until now. It's weird.

Even more weird.....we're watching TV together. Oh how totally strange. This having no kids around is oh so strange. I'm beginning to think we actually can be a normal married couple, some day.

I was relaxing....

2009-01-02T20:17:00.002-05:00

I actually slept pretty good last night. Got up without having to worry that someone overslept. Took a relaxing shower. Decided to go attempt all the returns that I needed to take care of.

Hubby and I met for lunch. Nice, relaxing.
Then we went shopping together. Fun.
We had dinner out tonight. Fabulous.

I should feel terrible that I'm enjoying this freedom as much as I am. I should be worried that the boys are giving Jay a hard time. Have they been fighting? Did they take drugs with them? Did they take their homework?

Enough!

All the relaxing I've indulged in today is slipping away.

2009 a new beginning?

2009-01-01T20:23:00.002-05:00

Jay took Fred & Squeak home with him for the weekend to give me a break. After spending a little over a week here at home with them and getting a first hand feel of how bad things have gotten dose of dealing with them, I think he was regretting his decision. I never thought I would be grateful to have them gone. I wish I felt guilty about that, but right now I'm just trying to get back some calm.

I've already got a text from Squeak complaining because he has a fever blister. Of course, he hasn't been taking his meds so he has no one to blame but himself. I think I've found a new counselor for us. That last one was such a freaking joke. I also have to cancel the appointment she made for us to return. After Squeak stormed out of there, I don't know what made her think he'd return.

I have my stress test Monday. I'm certainly not looking forward to that, but hopefully it will turn out fine and I can mark that off. I do need to have the glucose tolerance test. That one I'm pretty sure I'll fail. My glucose levels just keep getting higher and higher on my blood tests. Whatever.

I'm too tired to really think. I'm spending a lot of time on Facebook doing mindless things. I'm having a terrible time putting together intelligent thoughts. I'm screwing up at work. I'm losing lots of things.

I'm hoping that this weekend will be calming and help rejuvenate me. I know that I have to make changes. I have to get better control. I have to set limits and boundaries and enforce them all. Hubby is going to have to help and believe it or not, I think he will.

This sucks so don't bother

2008-12-18T21:37:00.004-05:00

I'm so tired of everything right now.

We had our second family counseling session tonight. What a joke. Squeak stormed out, Fred was his lying, pompous, disrespectful self; I got worked up and cried, hubby sat there.

Earlier this week both boys admitted to smoking weed. Squeak couldn't deny it since his blood and urine tests came back positive. Not that huge of a deal if I didn't feel it was already affecting their lives. If they had jobs, decent grades, were respectful and weren't already hooked I'd say it was a phase.

Fred justifies it by saying Jay is hooked on 'X' so weed is good compared to that. Squeak says it won't kill you like cigarettes and alcohol will.

I am finding myself slowly falling back into my little dark hole. Me, music and my friend Jack here on the computer in the dark.

Last week I was told that not only do I have the good fortune of having MS, I now have htn, hyperlipidemia, hyperglycemia to go with my depression and anxiety. But that's not enough because of the chest pain I've been having I'm seeing a cardiologist now and get to have a stress test on Jan. 5th.

I'm having such a hard time looking on the bright side. I just don't want to any more. I want to be selfish. I want my family to realize how their actions are affecting my health and stop it. I want to be able to stop worrying about bills. I want my mom and dad to get better. I want my job to lighten up. I want...I want...I want.

Damn baby I am, huh.

Whatever.

Happy Freaking Birthday Fred

2008-12-07T20:18:00.004-05:00

I am so angry right now.

Today is Fred's 18th birthday.

Saturday morning, hubby found dope in his car. Apparently it was the 2nd time. Too bad no one bothered to let me know. So hubby took away the truck and Fred took off. I followed him, talked to him, blah, blah, blah. He said Squeak gave it to him the night before as a birthday present. I checked out Squeak's jeep and found an empty bag in there, in the passenger door. Several kids rode with him the night before so it's impossible to find out the truth.

Fred and Squeak decided to take the night off work and go to 2 different friend's birthday parties, Squeak drove cuz Fred lost his truck. The first party was more of Squeak's friends and he didn't want to go to the other party but Fred did so Squeak let him take his jeep if he promised to be back by 11.

Fred didn't answer his phone right away when Squeak called and the fight was on. Fred was back before 11 but since he didn't answer his phone Squeak went off. Told Fred he could walk home, Fred kicked the door and Squeak left.

Fast forward to this morning. Happy Birthday Fred! What would you like to do for your 18th birthday? He had breakfast with a friend then went to the music store with other friends. While he was gone, Squeak went to see the damage in the daylight. It's a big dent. He said it was so bad he couldn't open the window. I begged him to not deal with it today, let it go until tomorrow. PLEASE.

He messed with it and ended up shattering it. He came back in the house screaming at me. I lost it and screamed back. He got pissed and tore out of here. I haven't seen him since.

He has text me a few times after I've pleaded with him. He's tired of the life he has and tired of his problems. He wants to be independent. He wants to try something different.

He hasn't taken his meds for 2 days now.

Poor Fred has had the worst birthday in history. Jay didn't even call and tell him happy birthday. Both of his brothers basically shit on him today and neither one of them cares.

I have had to put on the don't worry be happy face for Fred and as soon as he's gone or I'm off the phone with him, I'm back to bawling.

Oh yeah, last Monday, the 1st, Fred was driving my van because I was too weak to get in it and on the way home from school he got rear-ended. It's basically totaled. The frame is bent, seats won't moved, doors don't open and close properly. Wednesday he was bringing some friends home, turned right on red but didn't stop all the way and got a ticket for a rolling red. $205 Has a court date 2/18 for his first ticket, got that notice Thursday. It hasn't really been a great week for him, but Squeak is tired of his problems.

I'm so tired of all the crap that's been going on here. I don't even want to get started on what happened Thanksgiving. We have our first family counseling appt this Thursday. Wonder if all my guys will be there.

Please Help. It's very easy to do.

2008-11-21T20:47:00.003-05:00

For those who may not know, I have Multiple Sclerosis and so does my mum. Not a fun disease, but there are many much worse, so I try my best to just deal.

One of the problems of having MS is that so little is known about it because it is different in every person. That has made it pretty difficult to find treatments that will work not to mention hope for a cure. We need research, research needs money. In order to get money we need to get the word out about MS. That's where MS Awareness Week, March 2-8, 2009 comes in.

We have a new family moving into the White House and regardless whether you voted for or against Obama they will have a lot of influence in both positive and negative ways. I'd like to advocate for one very positive yet simple one. There's a petition asking that Mrs. Obama wear orange during the MS Awareness Week. They are trying to collect 1000 signatures and as of this moment only have 113.

Would you please click on the link and go sign? This is such an easy way to help out. Please sign and passthe word on to others.

I thank you, my mum thanks you as well as all my funky, freaky MS 2D friends.

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/michelle-obama-wear-orange

I think I'm a bit angry.

2008-11-16T14:24:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it's been a month since I last posted. Sometimes it seems that there is so little good to write about that I just don't, even though I know there are many good things. The woe has really been overwhelming me so rather than writing about it and getting it off my ample chest, I've let is fester.

Kid stuff is basically the same.

Jay won't be able to come home for turkey day so we won't be doing our annual Black Friday shopping together. That bums me since I've really been looking forward to that. His situation with the roommates is worse and we've involved our attorney. He turned down the job with the CIA and is currently waiting to hear about another job in Orlando.

Fred is still Fred. Only difference is that his report card was one of the best he's ever got, but even with all the easy-sneezy classes he's taking he didn't get a single A. Typical Fred.

Squeak got 2 F's and 1 B. His car stopped working completely which is fine since I took away his driving privileges. Of course hubby doesn't agree with that so the normal battle is there.

Work sucks.

The holidays have already brought major family dissension. Sis inlaw #2 called to give me a heads up. Sis inlaw #3 sent out invitations for our family Christmas party and requested we all get gifts for everyone else in the $10-$20 range. Oh and it is going to be November 22. That's not a typo, the Saturday BEFORE Thanksgiving. No one was called to confirm the date or that we could all afford a gift for everyone in the family. SIL #2 was livid that SIL #3 would do such a thing without a phone call first.

That was Wednesday. No invite for us Thursday or Friday and I didn't hear from my parents about it, nor my youngest brother so I began to wonder if we were even going to be invited. Maybe the mail is just slow and maybe my parents overlooked theirs since, oh yea, mom's in the hospital again and has been extremely, extremely ill. But I really didn't have time or energy to put much thought into it.

UNTIL I went to Naples yesterday to go see mom in the hospital and got an update. SIL #3's daughter and SIL #2's daughter were talking at school and the party was brought up. #3's dd said it was a Thanksgiving party and #2's dd said the invite said Christmas. #3's dd then proceeded to say that only the people SIL #3 likes were invited which does not include my parents, my youngest brother and me.

WTF?!?!? Is this grade school? Can you get more childish?

I want to crash that stinking party and see what SIL #3 says. I'd really like to know just exactly what I've ever done to her other than try to be supportive and understanding. WHATEVER

Of course, they haven't been to the hospital to see mom. Oh yeah, that's right, they don't like her either. Gah!

Wait until you need something from me again. Not in a million, trillion years!

More teenage angst

2008-10-17T21:38:00.002-04:00

For the last 2 hours Fred, Squeak, hubby and I have been trying to get some harmony in our house.

It's not happening.

It's getting worse.

Thankfully tomorrow is another day.

Teenagers

2008-10-15T15:19:00.001-04:00

I had to call hubby today as I was driving home to deal with teenage troubles. I told him I wanted to go home, pack my stuff and never come back. I really meant it. I’m so tired of being lied to and getting stuck in the middle. The school is sending letters to me saying they are going to contact the government because Squeak has missed 7 days of school this quarter. So today, he doesn’t go to school again. That messed up Fred’s plans and of course I got drug in the middle. I’m tired. I didn’t get to enjoy my time with Jay because I felt so awful about my friend.

Tomorrow is another day. I sure hope it gets off to a better start.

Bad Friend

2008-10-06T20:05:00.002-04:00

I have always had a problem with getting close to people. I've been a loner most of my life. Being alone has never really troubled me. It's not that I don't want friends, I just have a fear of people. Once I feel comfortable around people, I open up, but mostly I'm very reserved quiet.

This has caused a real problem in that I'm not a good friend. I say that because I don't "do" the things real friends do. Twice I've had friends that were sick and I didn't do the things good friends do. Call, send a card, stop by, etc. It's not that I don't think of them, I do. All the time. I just don't do things. I can't even say that the "right" things to do come to mind.

Twice I've dropped the ball in friendships. Ladies who meant the world to me and would do anything and everything for me. Twice I was not as good a friend to these ladies as they were to me. Twice now, I'm regretting my actions, or more the lack of my actions. Twice now, I've lost great friends to terrible illnesses but didn't let them know how much they meant to me.

Of all my faults, and yes, there are many, this is the biggest in my eyes. I wish I could do more when my friends are ill or worse, dying. I do not understand what causes me to drop this ball, but I do. I need to work on this before I lose someone else and have more regrets.

Too tired to think....I think!

2008-10-02T17:20:00.002-04:00

So Squeak has stopped going to school because of all the stress. He wouldn't even get out of bed Tuesday and Wednesday morning. I was able to get him talking yesterday afternoon and he has agreed to see a shrink. He has missed 8 days already this year all because he is so wigged out about the one class and ends up getting cold sores.

The guidance counselor had the balls to tell me today that he could have and probably should have initiated the Baker Act on my Squeak. WTF! I ask you for help week after week and you avoid me but now that it has escalated to this you want to do something? You are a real piece of work.

So Squeak will be going to see the doc on hubby's birthday. I haven't shared that with the hubster yet. If he was a bit more involved, I may have, but since I have to deal with these things basically on my own, I tend to forget a lot.

Fred is at the Homecoming game tonight. I didn't know about it. How is that for staying out of his "way"? Tomorrow is the dance. Wonder if he's going. Wonder if he'll tell me.

Too much drama for this mama. I need more sleep!

I'm too tired to be doing this, but...

2008-09-28T07:38:00.003-04:00

I was up till 3 with Fred. He was going to run off again. Hubby was out of town again so it was just me trying to deal with it. I'm too sick and too tired to keep this up.

We got a phone message from his online instructor saying that he is going to be kicked out and failed. That means he will not be able to graduate.

Why am I the only one who is upset about that? Why does Fred and hubby act like this is a game? Why do I care if they don't? Am I the one who is in the wrong here? Am I supposed to sit back and watch my child become a high school drop out knowing who negative that will affect his future?

All rhetorical questions of course, but wtf!

Jess and her mom were here yesterday helping me get a start on my office. I was given 'homework' so that when they get here this morning we can move forward. Of course it's not complete. I should be in there working on it now, and I was, but I'm so overwhelmed with the Fred stuff that I needed to take a break. Not too long or I'll crawl back into bed.

Kohl's opens here on October 1st. I cannot wait. I've been waiting for months for it to open and tada, now it is. Not only that, I got a coupon in the mail for $10 off! From 8 - 1 they're having all sorts of sales, so I'm playing hookie from work and going to see if I can get some Christmas and birthday shopping done.

My coffee is done, so I need to get back to work. Chao!

Wellllllll...........

2008-09-25T15:00:00.003-04:00

Life's a journey.

I've not been a very good traveler lately.

I have been working from 6:15 to after 5 for the last month or so. Why? We need money and I was told I need to get a third job.

I did graduate. Got my diploma. Did you notice my post about it? No? Maybe because it felt like no big deal even after all that work and I didn't find it too worthy of posting about. I could get an internship in MT but right now cash is more important so I'm putting that on hold. I'm going to go apply at Target and see if I can get in for the Christmas help.

I have no self esteem right now. I feel lower than a doormat.

Fred got his license and first ticket 20 days later. Squeak got his license, bought his own car and got hit 10 days later.

Jay is having mucho trouble at school. Fred isn't doing good in school. Squeak isn't either. Fred still hasn't finished his online class. Squeak's counselor won't return my calls and hides from me when I go to the school. 2 of Jay's new roommates are "potheads" (no offense meant, his term) and causing him a lot of issues. Kyn quit her job and moved out of her apt. She wants him to move out of his and in with her or she's moving back down here. He's failing his tax class. He hates his job. I'm up to my eyeballs in stress.

Hubby went to Iowa for a wedding over the weekend. He got home Tuesday night. He leaves for a race tomorrow afternoon.

I can't seem to stop shoving food in my mouth. I'm gaining more and more weight but just can't seem to stop. I get upset, I eat. I get stressed, I eat. I get worried, I eat. I get overwhelmed, I eat.

I took the day off to go to a job fair to find another job. I was too tired to go and slept instead. Now I'm beating myself up mentally for missing the hours.

My MS has been playing havoc with me as usual, but now I'm having chest pain issues. I'm pretty sure the weight and stress don't help, but it's not making any difference at home.

Home. Let's not get started on that one. I need Clean Sweep to come help. They'll turn me down as too far gone to be worth it.

This has to end but I don't know where to start or how to begin. All of this is the biggest reason I have not posted. I just don't see a point in 'putting' it out there. It is what it is and I'm basically the only one who can make it any different. I just don't feel mentally or physically strong enough right now. When will I? I'm beginning to feel like never, but I no better. I know others are worse. I know I'm really very lucky. Blah, blah, blah. Right now, I don't care. I just want to cry, or disappear, that would be easier. In 100 years it won't matter, but today is looking pretty dim.

So I'm not looking for sympathy, I just thought I owed you an explanation of sorts.

I need a laugh, do you?

2008-09-24T07:34:00.000-04:00

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

My momma isn't completely gray but should be!

Is it too early to feel like the Scrooge?

2008-08-25T18:29:00.002-04:00

It's been a real crappy month.

I worked 50+ hours last week and took time off 2 days for doctor appointments and kid stuff. Only saving grace of it is that I'll have 10 + hours overtime on my next check and I am really going to need it.

Fred got his first speeding ticket this afternoon. Joy of joys.

Squeak hasn't stopped bugging me to go look at cars for him. $1000 doesn't get much but that's all he can spend. Now that his brother got a ticket I imagine all of our insurance will go up.

Both my parents are really sick. I've been worried mom is going to end up with pneumonia but my immune system is so low right now, I can't risk going over there to help them out.

My ophthalmologist appointment today sucked. I was told I may be kicked out of the study because my scans aren't good.

Walked in the door to have hubby immediately ask where the checks for the money market are. Dug them out for him, called my mom to find out how she's doing and he followed me to have me make out a check for him.

Can I PLEASE have 5 minutes to unwind?!?!?

I'm so upset about possibly getting out of the study, not to mention my eyes seem to have something going wrong with them. Do I have to deal with all of the home chaos the minute I walk in the door? Can't I have a breather?

Now I hear there is another storm out in the tropics. Wonder if that one will play the havoc with us that Fay did. The barometric pressure changes really mess me up. I felt like I just couldn't get enough sleep. At first I thought it was just me, but after talking with several others this weekend found out all of them had the same troubles.

But I keep telling myself it's not that bad. Many others have it so much worse. I really need to stop complaining and be happy I'm alive and have my children.

Bah Humbug!

Whew

2008-08-07T20:35:00.002-04:00

I got home from work about an hour ago. It has been a very long day, but I did get a lot of work done, just not the work I needed to get done! Oh well.

Fred had his senior pictures taken Monday. Some were really awesome while others were really awful! Then I surprised him and took him to get his drivers license.

Gah. I had no idea just how terrible that idea was.....for me. Less than 24 hours after he got it, I had to take it away because he flat out lied to me. I was actually shocked. Don't know why since he has such a great track record for telling the truth. About the only good thing has been that he is now working full-time. Amazing how he got a full-time job so quickly when for the past 2 years no one would hire him. At least he's working.

Squeak is pressuring me to hurry and let him get his license. NOT. I am so not ready for 2 of them to be driving. I need to get over Fred first!

Ambush disguised as a meeting

2008-08-06T22:10:00.000-04:00

We had a “mandatory” meeting tonight. All the office managers, billers and coders from the docs offices were told to attend. The billing/coding part was awesome and I learned a lot. After that part, Dr G talked.

Basically we were ambushed. He told us about something new that will be taking place in 2 of the offices, ours and the Blazer. WTF? Um, we have no warning but the Blazer’s office knows all about it? Oh yeah, I’m supposed to be learning a new position in addition to what I already do.

NOT

It was blatantly obvious why we were not told in advance and only a complete idiot wouldn’t have been able to see it, which adds to the humiliation we were put through. Oh and another little thing. He handed out coding sheets that I produced, copied and packaged up without ever saying thanks to me. I didn’t want ‘credit’ but a thank you just once would be really super.

Tomorrow is going to be so long.

Add to that, more problems with Fred and his drivers license.

What a day

2008-08-04T20:18:00.002-04:00

Today was all about Fred.

He got his senior pictures taken this morning. OMG, it is so amazing to realize my problem student is this close to possibly getting his high school diploma. There have been so many days that I didn't think we would make it this far, so even though I know we have a long hard year ahead of us, we have reached a milestone.

That wasn't even close to the best part for him. I finally gave in and let him get his drivers license. My life as I've known it, is completely over.

He didn't know he was getting it so it was a really cool surprise for him. He passed the driving test with flying colors, of course. He sweet talked the lady to gave him the test. That's not how he passed, but she went from a grump to sweet and friendly, which put him much more at ease.

We didn't tell Squeak, but surprised him. He was happily surprised, too, so today was great for both of them.

Our vacation was amazing. I had so much energy and didn't get worn out like I do here. I posted tons of pics on my myspace.

I got some shocking news Saturday. Hubby and I were out having breakfast before going to the auction to see what they had, and talking about a couple we know who have been going through some major marriage trouble. I made the comment that I was so happy that we don't have marital problems to deal with in addition to my health issues. Hubby looked at me like I had six heads and asked what I meant that we don't have marital problems.

Huh?

What marital problems do we have?

I knew he would say sex, so I wasn't surprised about that. I have to say that between the peri-menopause and the MS, sex isn't that great for me any more, then add to that work, schoolwork, kids, stress and all the parent health issues I just don't seem to have any desire or interest any more. While we were on vacation though, it was completely different so I had thought he might finally understand what I've been trying to explain to him. Guess not.

Okay, other than the sex issue, what marital problems do we have?

Cleaning.

I said, "Yes, but you are a great cleaner."

I got a dirty look and decided I didn't want to know anything else.

Friday night he came into the bedroom to tell me he just read about a lady who is on the same MS trial drug I am and can now run a mile a day. To me he was questioning me and my pains and problems. It was a real slap in the face for me, but add to that being told we have marital problems when I really didn't think we did, made for quite a shocking and disappointing weekend for me.

I'm a bit perturbed about it all. I have to put it all in perspective and remember things could be worse, but dang have I been living in a different marriage?

Starting my to-do list

2008-07-06T08:21:00.003-04:00

School is finished. Why do I not feel like celebrating? Probably because I haven't completed my work. I try, but just can't seem to do it. So many things pulling at me have made it so difficult. I suppose if I really focused, I could do it. I'm thinking a to-do list is called for about now. Not of my school work, but of everything else that is pulling at my brain. I'm afraid once I start that, I'll get so depressed, I'll just can it all. I know I'll get it figured out, eventually.

I did get our room for the first night in San Francisco, so hubby is off my case about that. Now he wants me to commit to a car. I give him my input but that's not good enough. I think he wants me to make all the decisions. Bad idea for someone whose brain is mush.

I've been gone from work for 3 weeks now. Has anyone checked on me? Nope. Says an awful lot to me. I'm going in tomorrow morning. Sheesh, not what I'm looking forward to. Of course, right about now the only thing I AM looking forward to is sleep! Oh wait, I do that about 3 times each day so maybe that is part of why I'm not looking forward to earning a check. Hm, that is something to think about.

Ignore the next part, I'm going to start on that list, since 2 things just popped in my head that should have been done last week and I completely forgot.

1. Get Jay a way here on the 15th.
2. Payoff my credit cards.
3. Get car for trip.
4. Clean master bath.
5. Log things for goodwill and take there.
6. Arrange for mail to be picked up.
7. Get Northern CA book from AAA.
8. Take car in to get handle and airbag replaced.
9. Put seat back in van.
10. Call State Farm about putting kids on policy.
11. Schedule driving test for Jacob to get license.
12. Cut Diva's nails.
That's a start. I wonder how many things will end up there before the day is over AND how many I will get complete. Whew. Makes me too tire just thinking about all the everyday things that will get in the way of those like, cooking, laundry, dishes...

Menu time now or maybe I should go get groceries before I do that. Nah, then I'd have to get dressed and go out into the heat.

Procrastination needs to be rewarding!

2008-07-03T12:26:00.003-04:00

If I got paid to procrastinate I would be so rich!

I did some of my schoolwork this morning, but then got pulled away trying to finalize details for our trip. Gah, this is insane. It doesn't help that hubby and I do not agree on everything. I'd love to stay in downtown San Francisco just one night to experience the city. He can't get beyond that some, not all, some places only have shared bathrooms. Please!

I spent all afternoon yesterday trying to get things done for the trip. What a waste. At least hubby is agreeing to the surfing the kids want to do. Who wants to go to CA and not go to the beach? Duh, we are right there. They surf here, but want to surf the Pacific Ocean. I found a place right by the reunion where they can rent wet suits and boards. They are so excited and so am I. I still have to figure out how we are getting Jay home in time for the flight. Oh yeah, and what happened to our application for a student loan for him. He's freaking about that one.

Tonight is my last meeting with my class. I don't know what my teacher is going to say since I don't have my work done. We'll see. Now I will go back to that!

Just thinking out loud

2008-07-02T10:06:00.002-04:00

I cannot believe it is already July 2. Where o' where has the year gone? I am supposed to have my class complete tomorrow. Yeah, right. I am still spending my schoolwork time on Fred.

I should go over to Naples today to see my Aunt. She is going back to Iowa on Friday. She came at the end of March to help out for 1 month. She has really been a huge help to both my parents and I am fearing what is going to happen when she is gone.

I'd like to get my brothers and their families to help out and schedule all of us for visits but they just won't cooperate with me. I wish I knew a way to get them to understand how important it is for them to look beyond the anger and deal with today. They are not the only ones who have been hurt and imposed upon. I used to get daily calls telling me how awful I was. How I didn't deserve the love of my child or anyone else for that matter. Every mean, hateful thing was said to me. I cried and listened, but every Friday night we would still pack up and drive over there for the weekend to help mom. It was horrid to deal with and ultimately was part of the reason I cracked a few years back, but I moved here to help mom so over we would go.

I think that is partially why I feel so strongly that they need to get over it already and just commit to 1 hour every third week. If we each take 1 day, including the grandkids who live locally, we would only have to do it once every 3rd week. That is less than 18 hours a year. Why is that so hard to commit to? I'm willing to drive over there 4 times. Gas ain't cheap and the where and tear on my vehicle isn't great, but it is the right thing to do.

Squeak does not want to do it. I didn't give him a choice. He needs to find out just how funny and fun his grandma can be. Fred knows and thinks it is a great idea. Heck I know I can even talk Jay into taking a turn when he is here. Oh well.

Another funny to share:

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kid's names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

This n That

2008-07-01T08:04:00.006-04:00

I spent all of yesterday focusing on Fred. I would really like to pull out all my hair. Hubby and I spent 3 hours last night helping him study for this semester final. It was awful, took 2 1/2 hours to take and he only got 75%. Ugh! Too hard on me, but since it's part of motherhood, I'll keep it up.

He had his appt with his psych and I ratted him out about Saturday night. He was not happy about that, but I think she really needs to know the whole Fred. After his session, I could see he had been crying. I felt sad, but in the end I'm hoping she can get through to him. He has so much potential if only he would apply a bit of himself.

So once again, I didn't get my schoolwork done. Today and tomorrow must be about typing transcripts. Yeah, in a house full of teenage boys! Not. They want to go to the beach today. The ride they had lined up isn't working out, so we'll see if I give in and take them. Yeah, I know.

My Menu for this week is pretty simple:
Mon - Steak on the grill, baked potatoes, corn on the cob
Tue - Sloppy Joes, chips
Wed - Tilapia on the grill, rice, veggies
Thurs - Pork chops in the crockpot, veggies, biscuits
Fri - Burgers & Dogs on the grill (of course), salad, raw veggie platter, brownies
Sat - Tuna Helper, bread & butter, veggies
Sun - Roast with carrots in the crockpot, baked potatoes

I got an email with some really cute sayings I thought I'd share.

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

How can I save more money?

2008-06-29T08:48:00.004-04:00

I used to be very good at saving money, being extremely frugal and living on mere pennies. I'm frustrated that I'm having such a hard time remembering what ways I used to save us money. We really need to cut back but I'm having a big problem thinking of more ways. We have never really lived out of our means, I've been a stickler about that. We pay off our credit cards every month, don't buy overly extravagant things and limit our overall spending. Even with the rising costs that I have no control of, I feel that I should be able to save us more.

We've explained to the kids about making sure to turn off things before leaving a room and they really have done a pretty good job of that...for kids! We rarely eat out, maybe once a week at most. We started grocery shopping together so not only do the kids see how much things cost and helping to cut our grocery bill, but they are picking out things they will eat. No more hearing "there's nothing to eat around here"! I don't run the window a/c in my office, which has been really awful a couple days, but hubby says it costs a bundle to run so I don't.

I suppose I should stop making the kids do their own laundry. I know Squeak runs a load every day and sometimes I see it is only a couple of things. Hang stuff outside, but we don't have a clothes line, just a cord between beams on the back porch. I wonder if hubby would put up the line I bought 2 years ago. It's one of those umbrella thingies. I wanted to take it up to the camper so the kids could hang up their towels, but the association frowned on it.

So much to think of.

Oh yeah, Mrs. Groovy, Fred says he will go stay with Nicki. She used to live in the neighborhood and Fred has/had a crush on her mum. The mum encourages it. She even asked him to go to Michigan with them next month! I would try to talk to her, but I really think it would be pointless.

Tomorrow is another day, I just hope I get through today.

Ick

2008-06-28T14:41:00.002-04:00

I wish I wasn't always so dang tired. I seem to want to constantly sleep. This morning I was rudely woke up by the telephone. It was Fred's online administrator. He is failing and has until tomorrow night to get it in gear and turn in some work. The consequence is that if he doesn't he will be dis-enrolled and therefore not have enough credits to have completed 11th grade! OYE! That child really wants to drive me to drink...or worse.

Of course, I'm a bitch, nag, pain, etc. for getting on his case to get it done.

Whatever!

Look here little boy, if you don't like it, get off your ass, get a job so you can get a car, and move your booty out of here!

Like that is going to happen. Not in this year. That would be too much like, um...work!

Can you tell I'm way over this all? It's bad enough I have to deal with this b.s. here, but I've been dealing with similar crap at work so I really need to finish up this homework so I can get my MT certificate and apply for MT jobs.

OMG

I just had a huge altercation with Fred. He packed his stuff and was leaving. I just don't know how much more of all this I can take.

2008-06-27T07:42:00.002-04:00

Last night was my last class. Next Thursday we are meeting across the street at Chilllli's for our "official" last class. I am so not ready for working in this field. It is very frightening, especially since my right hand does not want to cooperate.

My neuro says it is not MS but a nerve problem. He says I can try OTC anti-inflammatories. It is not official that it is carpal-tunnel, but many other docs have told me that is probably what it is. I'm really frustrated that my neuro has not dealt with this as my doctor. I asked who I should contact to help me get through this, but told to try the OTC's first. That is actually the only thing I have not tried for this. I've dealt with this problem for the last 4 years off and on. Hopefully, this too shall pass.....quickly!

Today is the last day of fitness camp for the boys. On the 16th, we leave for San Francisco. This is all happening so fast. I just don't know where the days have flown by.

I must go jump in the shower so I will be ready to take the munchkins to class.

Nothing much

2008-06-25T11:10:00.003-04:00

Dang it's been hot here! I forgot just how bad the heat can affect me. Yesterday I couldn't walk without help. It totally sucked since the boys had friends over. Dang vanity!

I'm going to pick up the boys in about 20 minutes from fitness camp. I'm bringing them home to shower, change and eat so we can run over to Naples. Dad had a root canal yesterday! WTF? What doc/dentist in his right mind would do that? Dad is in worse shape for this than the prostatectomy. I guess his mouth is more sensitive than...ick! :)

Schoolwork is not going well. My fingers on my right hand have been so painful that I am avoiding using them. It is really hard to type without 3 fingers let alone type fast. Oh well, this too shall pass.

Time to get moving.

If it is to be, it is up to me.

Please help by clicking:

Quickie...not that kind!

2008-06-22T10:13:00.002-04:00

I've been traveling back and forth between home and my parents. I'm wiped out.

Dad had a prostatectomy on June 13. He got the catheter removed on June 19. He was back to driving everywhere on June 20. He is one tough sob!

I'm supposed to be finished with school 7/3 but I am still way behind. I'm staying home until I get all the assignments complete and turned in. I am way too close to completion to quit now. Work can get screwed. I need this for me.

There has been so much going on here at home in addition to the chaos with my parents that I have had to put me in a hole. Little by little I'm crawling out. It has helped that Jay has come home twice to give me a boost and help with the younger monsters! Fred will be going to a new school for his senior year. Not sure that is wise for him in the big scope, but he thinks it will be fine. His schedule totally rocks so that helps. As long as he gets his summer school class complete. So far it's not looking good.

Must start on homework now. I won't get it complete if I hang out online! XOXOX

I can't believe it's only Wednesday

2008-05-14T12:02:00.000-04:00

Between unloading here, talking to DeeDee, and emailing my teacher I feel a bit better today. I think I might actually be able to stay at work all day and get something worthwhile accomplished. Maybe! At least I don’t feel like my brain is going to explode.

Why do I try to work when I know I can't

2008-05-13T11:04:00.005-04:00

I’m having a lot of trouble focusing. I can’t help but think about all the possibilities of the situation with my dad. I told him I would take off work and go over there to take care of mom when he does whatever he ultimately decides to do. I need my paycheck. I cannot imagine leaving Fred and Squeak home alone all that time. I go to school here. We are going on vacation in July and have already bought the tickets. No one does my work when I’m not here at the office.

Those are the things just off the top of my head. I really need to unload all of this or I’m going to wig out.

Here's a card Fred adapted for me for Mother's Day.

Raining, but not the weather

2008-05-11T10:02:00.002-04:00

Happy Mother's Day

I went over to my parents house yesterday to celebrate Mother's Day with my mum so that today I could be here with my brood.

Overall it was a really great day, despite the bad news. Mum, my dad's sister and I went shopping. It was nice and relaxed, no pressure. While we were out shopping, my dad had my car and took it to get a tune up and new tires! I couldn't be happier about that. It has really needed both and hubby keeps telling me to take care of it.

My youngest brother, Lumpy, was there with his son, Josh and 'step'son, Matt. Josh cleaned out and vacuumed my car car for me. I love that kid. He has had a tough life, not much interaction with his dad, overall very quiet and shy, but never with me. We have always had a bond. His mum and I were pregnant at the same time. She's an awesome lady and I give her a lot of credit no matter what stupidities my brother has to say. I have always asked Josh about his mom and told him to make sure to tell her hi for me. I think that is why we have such a great bond. He knows I love his dad and mom no matter what either says about the other.

I had him with me when I brought Lumpy home from the hospital 3 years ago when he almost died. I had a long heart to heart with Lumpy that day and Josh heard the whole thing. Basically, no matter how we grew up and what we've individually gone through, we are family. Love is not something you should have to earn so stop trying. You can love a person and hate their actions or words. Those two are completely separate. That is not how we were raised. We are never going to be good enough, say all the 'right' things, do all the 'right' things, so stop trying. Love each other because of the person they are, not what they say or do. That talk has really helped Lumpy these past 3 years. Occasionally I have to remind him, but then it's all good again.

On my way out of town last night I stopped by 2 of my brother's houses and got to see them and their kiddos. It was so nice to see my nephews and nieces, my brothers and their wives, my aunt and my mom and dad. There was only 1 brother and his family that I did not get to see.

The bad news is that my dad has prostate cancer. Gleason scale 6. Gleason only goes to 5. He's going this week for bone marrow testing to see how bad it is in the bones. He's freaking out. Mom's freaking out. I'm freaking out. Even worse is that he's sworn me to secrecy. He told my oldest brother and me. It's all about secrecy with him. He didn't tell any of us that he was having shoulder surgery until the week of. I new at the beginning of the week. The others found out the day before. It's how he has always been. Enough to drive me to drink and/or worse!

So how are you doing?

2008-05-08T15:12:00.002-04:00

I hate being asked that, lately. In the big scheme of things, I'm so freaking fortunate and have absolutely no right to moan about anything. I know that.

I am grateful that I'm not battling cancer again, only this time the prognosis is awful like my friend Sonny. I am thrilled that my disease is not going to kill me off in the next 2 months. That I don't have to battle with the nausea from weekly chemo. I'm extremely thankful for this.

I am grateful that I'm not battling with my own child and his demons like my friend midlife. I am so happy that I'm trying to figure out where to come up with the money for college tuition instead of lawyer fees. I appreciate that currently I am comfortable leaving my children home when I'm not here and don't have to worry that they will do something illegal. I feel very fortunate for this.

There are many others who have it so much worse than I do.

I feel so lucky that my troubles are not as bad as those others.

So why is it when I am asked, "So how are you doing?", I say awful? I have no right.

Happy Birthday My Friend!

2008-05-01T07:38:00.002-04:00

Happy birthday Amy! I can't wait to hear about your day.

I am on a school leave of absence. I asked Dr S if I could take some time off to try to catch up on my schoolwork and he said of course. So I'm home. My goal for today is 10 transcripts and 1 chapter.

How did I get this far behind? I cannot believe I'm 2 months behind. I feel like I'm that guy who fell asleep and woke up like 40 years later. I cannot figure it out. Oh well. What's done is done. No looking back, just forward to graduation.

A very good stamping friend found out Monday that she once again has cancer. They don't know it's origin but suspect from her past breast cancer. They believe it's in the bones. She doesn't think she'll make it to the end of the year. I'm heartbroken. Mostly because I've neglected everyone and everything except work and to a minimal extent, school. I'm planning to meet up with her tomorrow.

I overdrew my account. Actually my automatic payment for my car did. I hate that thing. It cost me $29. I don't write checks. I only use my debit card. I do not understand how that can be. Oh well, it's been a reality check.

If it is to be, it is up to me, so I better get to schoolwork.

Tractor Pull

2008-04-29T09:50:00.002-04:00

I figured out how to get the video of me here! I've waited for almost a year for my brother Joe to teach me to pull and finally he did. I'm in love and think I'll be pulling for real next month.

I think my gum is infected. I figured out last night that I am behind 70 transcriptions! Instead of playing here, I should be working on that.

In case something happens...Happy Birthday early, Amy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Wisdom Teeth are gone....

2008-04-26T16:22:00.002-04:00

I had oral surgery this morning.

I'm on good drugs right now.

I've taken a bit of time for me so I'm posting.

After my last post, we took Fred and Squeak to spend the weekend with Jay. It was great for all of us, well maybe not Jay. Maybe since I forked over $250 for the 3 of them to go play at Hard Knocks. They all loved it. Danny and I went to the trailer. I actually pulled one of the tractors! If I can figure out how, I'll post the video of it.

I'm still behind in school and work. Nothing new there.

Now I need to take another pain pill so I can make it through the night at Fred's job. There's a day bed I'm interested in or I wouldn't bother going. But since Danny is out of town and one way or the other I've got to get Fred to work, I figure it's just as easy for me to stay there.

Maybe I'll have another dream tonight about my 2D friends!

I think tomorrow has to be better.

2008-04-02T21:30:00.004-04:00

I've been having a real tough time for the last couple months.

I'm having trouble being positive. That is part of the reason I've not been posting as frequently. I feel like I really am a very fortunate person and I shouldn't pass on the ick. If all I'm feeling is ick, I don't make attempts to get online to post. I feel like there's nothing worthwhile to post, so I don't.

I love my work. I love the challenge. I love the variety. I love that we can have fun. I love that we are a lot like a family. I love that I've met some really terrific people.

I hate that I feel like I'm constantly babysitting a bunch of adults. I hate that I spend so much time repeating myself. I hate that emotionally, I no longer feel different at work.

I'm having lots of difficulty with hubby. He is a prankster of sorts and is using my weaknesses as a starting point. My memory isn't the best. He uses that against me. At times, I wonder if I'm going insane. He doesn't get that it effects me the way it does. He thinks it's all funny. I find it maddening; literally.

Then there's the pain. my sciatica is out of wack. It's really tough to find a position that isn't excruciating. That pain ends up stressing my already weak legs and so on.

Then there's the kids. Disaster in the making.

I forgot to pay for my school, so I got kicked out. I'm hoping I can clear that up tomorrow.

Money is yet another stressor.

So now that I've put all of that out there, maybe I can move on to get back to my "happier" self.

Now I need to get offline so I can go get my phone. The boys were supposed to be home 20 minutes ago. Too bad hubby won't do it for me. Oh well. tomorrow is another day.

I'm losing it

2008-04-01T14:53:00.001-04:00

This is not April Fools joke. I'm ready to jump. This office is making me nuts. Literally.

No more for now.

I really did not fall off the face of the earth!

2008-03-17T17:56:00.002-04:00

I am so very sorry for disappearing like that. It is not intentional.

I have not been well but still trying to do everything like normal. Overall, I'm okay, just constantly so extremely tired that it is very difficult to do anything for me. I look around and see so many that are much sicker than I am, and then I feel guilty for not working harder to get more things done. I do not realize just how stressful my job and homelife is until I get away. Then it feels like I just cannot get back on track with "my" life when I get back, so I feel like getting away isn't such a good thing.

Ah the wonders of guilt. I sure hope I outgrown this someday!

My trip to Iowa was fabulous. I had such a great time staying with my best friend. She went on with her life as if I wasn't there except before we went to sleep each night we hung out and talked. I got to spend time with 1 of my goddaughters and had a blast! I got to see my great-niece and my great-nephew, in addition to a lot of my cousins who I hadn't seen for years.

I've been trying to talk my mom into going up with me next month to see her mom. Grandma seems to be doing real well right now and I want to see her like that again instead of having my last memory of her all mixed up and sad like she was after the funeral.

Now hubby is here bugging me about what I want for dinner. It's my birthday and they are taking me for dinner. Too bad I'm so tired. I'd really rather just crawl in bed and catch up on some sleep. Instead I'll be a good wife and mother and let them take me out.

Hope your St Patty's day was awesome!

I hate driving in snow and ice

2008-02-13T09:10:00.002-05:00

I'm in Iowa attending my grandpa's funeral. He was 94. I haven't driven in snow/ice for 10 - 15 years and am not having fun! Weather permitting, I'll be home Sunday, just in time to go to the next tractor show.

Go tell Mrs. Groovy happy anniversary. I think it's 17 or 18 years, but my brain is totally unreliable.

After that, you can go say happy birthday to Kitchen Logic. She's totally over the hill these days, almost 50! Instead of happy birthday you can give her your condolences!

Now I'm going to take a quick nap before I have to brave the roads again. Gah!!!!!!

Baby Boomers Video

2008-02-02T09:09:00.000-05:00

This cold/flu/virus really sucks. I worked half a day Monday, Tuesday and Friday; all day Thursday and stayed home Wednesday. If I was productive when I was home I wouldn't feel so bad about missing all the work, but I just cannot focus for long. The nausea also gets the better of me. My nose is so sore that it hurts to wear my glasses, so I either deal with the blur or the pain. Sleep is impossible without vicks up my nose. Yeah, I know, tmi but it's the truth! I have to drink so much water because my throat is dry that I'm up 20 times during the night. I'm ready to get rid of this. Any takers?

A friend sent me a link to a video I just have to share. I laughed so hard, which got me hacking, that Fred woke up to come check on me. He's too young to appreciate the video, so I didn't share it with him. You I will share with. I'm not sure how to load the video here, so a link is the best I can do. Enjoy!

Baby Boomers Video

It's cold again...58!

2008-01-28T16:31:00.001-05:00

OMG, I cannot believe how icky I feel. I have been fighting off a cold and it seems to have won. I can't seem to concentrate for more than 5 minutes on anything. It wouldn't be so bad if I could just sleep it off, but I can't sleep either. I lay there and lay there but can't seem to fall asleep.

My brain is jammed with male and female reproductive terms. It is so amazing to me to finally understand what my female problems were really all about all those years. If I had this information way back, I could have avoided so much. I cannot believe one single doctor couldn't have explained what was going on to me. Every symptom I had makes perfect sense to me. It definitely reinforces my feelings that they were all just in it for the money. If I had been able to have my hysterectomy shortly after Squeak was born, I don't think I would have gone through the terrible depression. Hubby got a vasectomy so it wasn't like we were going to be having any more kids. Oh well, chalk it up to another hard lesson and hopefully I'll be able to use the knowledge to help someone else.

I am looking to get a mini freezer for Jay. His roommates each have their own fridge/freezer in their rooms but still have taken up all the space in the freezer in the kitchen. There is no room for Jay to put food for him, so he eats out often or pb&j or tuna. I'd like to find one locally for him so we don't have to pay shipping, but that may not be possible.

I better stop 'playing' and get back to my homework. I really am going to get caught up some day!

I really hate trying to think of a title some days!

2008-01-23T18:30:00.000-05:00

It was a very interesting day today. It started off with me rearranging my office that I share with Jess. She has said ‘we’ will do it “soon” but I got tired of waiting for soon. There is only one more major change; I need to saw the extensions off my desk so it sits properly. Maybe this weekend I’ll go over and do it. Jess was shocked when she came in, but very happy.

Dr G actually came in early and we thought he was finally going to talk to the employees about their evaluations and raises. NOT. As I predicted, he made Jess give them the news. She attempted to discuss their decision on the raises with them but was shut down right away by Dr S. He told her that they gave cost of living raises, not on merit. Hm, then can you explain my major increase and Yo-girl’s (our newest employee – she always says “yo”) lack of a raise? Just another excuse to avoid the situation.

Then Dr G told me about the project he needs me to do. Back in 2005 we signed a 2 year contract with this doctor and the hospital. They were sponsoring him, so to speak. From day 1 I didn’t like him and it just continued to go down hill. He ended up quitting 7 months into the contract and going out on his own. Good riddance in my book, but now the hospital is coming back to us wanting money. They say they paid us over $900,000 in the first 12 months of his contract and since they only guaranteed $250,000, they want us to give them a refund! We only got $82,000. If they paid $900,000 out for him, he got the other 818,000 and they can get it from him.

No, it’s not that easy. Dr G says that we are legally bound to him for the first year and we have to give the hospital a record of his income and expenses. For the entire first 12 months.

Um, did you forget that he only worked for us for 7 months? No, of course not. So why then do you expect me to come up with an amount to give the hospital without his personal records? I’m happy to give you everything we have up until he walked out on us, but if you think I am seriously going to lie to come up with figures to get him out of paying back the hospital, you don’t know me very well. I will walk out and never go back if that is what you expect. I will not lie for you and certainly not for him.

I’m now wondering if that is the reason for the huge raise. I cannot be bought. My integrity is extremely important to me, and I will not allow you to compromise it.

I need to finish up this transcription I’ve been working on for the last 2 nights. It is a real humdinger! I know that it gets easier with more experience, but jeepers, this one is a killer! I do enjoy searching the net to figure things out, but 2 days on 1 paper is more than I bargained for.

Curve ball

2008-01-22T06:30:00.000-05:00

Mom’s boost just wasn’t working. We’re not exactly sure what the problem was, but dad was in a bad mood, so we didn’t investigate. Maybe next month it will be working.

My visit with Jay was awesome, too short, but better than nothing. We went to his new favorite hang out, Hard Knocks. http://www.hardknocksorlando.com/ This place is totally awesome. It is 100 times better than laser tag for those who are really into that type of fun. The gaming lounge is huge, too. Monday – Friday ladies play in the gaming lounge for free. Great way to get the guys in there, huh?! I didn’t get to see Kyn, but Jamie came over and I haven’t seen her for almost a year.

We got home Sunday night. I wasn’t scheduled to go in to work yesterday, but I did. I’m not sure if it was a good thing or bad. The raises were supposed to be put in so payroll could be submitted and I felt it was my responsibility to make sure it was done. I got a few surprises when I showed up.

Dr S was out all last week, sick. In the 9 years I’ve been there, he has missed maybe 1 day because he was sick. He always toughs it out and comes in no matter what. For him to be gone an entire week was shocking. He did come in yesterday, but only for half a day. While he was there, Jess reminded him about the raises and told him Dr G did not take care of it while he was gone.

That is when the real surprise happened.

He finished the paperwork I need to enter the raises and gave it to me.

He made 2 changes. Instead of the $0.70 Jess and I were getting, he upped hers to $1 and mine $1.70.

That makes my decision to leave a whole lot harder. Just when I thought I had come to the right decision, he throws a curve ball at me.

I’m thinking my talk with him a couple weeks ago made a difference. I explained that my neuro doesn’t want me to work. He wants me to go on disability. I’m holding out. I know there will be a time when I cannot get up and go to work like I do now. That’s one reason I’m going to school. I want to be able to have an income even when I need to stay home.

Sheesh. Guess I’m not quitting my job this summer.

I didn't mean to leave like that!

2008-01-18T11:59:00.000-05:00

Sorry to disappear like that!

I left town early Tuesday morning to go see Jay. Got to the trailer right before they closed the gates Wednesday night. I spent yesterday walking the flea market and working on homework.

My parents are not up here yet, so my Internet connection is horrible, worse than dial up even. When they get here, we will be able to hook up to my mom’s boost. I didn’t know they wouldn’t be here or I would have forewarned you that I might go MIA. I thought they were going to be here Wednesday so I cut my time with Jay short. Oh well, I enjoyed the ‘me’ time yesterday.

I’ll be back when I get connected to my mom’s hook up and tell you about my visit with Jay.

Happy Anniversary to Us!

2008-01-14T06:35:00.000-05:00

Yesterday wasn’t a complete bomb, but it could have been better. I was cranking through my list at record speed when I got a call from Jay. It seems that Kyn wants to go see Dr Kevorkian speak and it is this Tuesday. It wouldn’t be a problem to change my plans if I had not already got my room through priceline. I cannot change or cancel without a fee and at this late date will still have to pay for the room.

I got bummed and came to a fast halt.

Things around here got pretty much done, it is my schoolwork that I didn’t do. I’ve never missed a deadline for the online tests until yesterday. I just could not bring myself to focus on them. I will have to send an email to my teacher and explain. Not exactly showing my responsible side on that. Oh well, today is a new day.

My plan is to sell my stamps on ebay. At least that way I will get some money out of them. I am not going to get rid of all of them. I plan to keep the unmounted ones because they will take up so much less space, less storage area! I’ve never been confident enough in my ability, to sell any of my cards and after my jewelry fiasco I’d rather not waste the money trying to set up a website, etc.

Today is our anniversary. Rather today is one of our anniversaries. 19 years ago we married for the 2nd time. It’s hard to believe it has been that long. So I’m making the pork for dinner since hubby loves pork. I usually make pork chops for him on special occasions, but since this was on the menu last week and I didn’t make it, I already have all of the ingredients, so this will have to do. I’m sure he’ll be happy with it and it will be less stressful.

This week’s menu:
Notice there are many crock pot meals. When we are at the trailer, I like to just pop something in there in the morning so I can enjoy the show and the pulls without worrying about feeding a bunch of hungry men.

Monday
Slow Cooker Pulled Pork

Tuesday
Hamburgers/hotdogs (choice)
Chips

Wednesday
Sloppy Joes (recipe below)
French Fries

Thursday
Crock Pot Ham (trailer) (recipe below)
Potato packets on campfire

Friday
Crock Pot Chicken (trailer) (recipe below)
Mac n cheese
Bread & butter

Saturday
Too Tired to Cook Meatball Soup (trailer)
Salad
Garlic bread/wheat rolls

Sunday
Sandwiches (on the road)

I still need to make my grocery list and go get them. We are out of almost everything. Good thing I "got paid" to do laundry yesterday. I found $30 in the dryer after the first load of our work clothes. Had to have been in hubby's pants since I've been broke since Christmas! Thanks, hun. :)

Please keep in mind that I usually do not measure when I cook so my recipes have approximate measurements. I'm more of 'a little of this, more of that' type of cooker. I hope you enjoy.

Happy Cooking!!!

Sloppy Joes
1 lb. ground beef
1 cup ketchup (more or less)
1 tsp. Lawreys seasoning
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
1/2 tsp. onion powder
Brown meat in skillet and drain. Add remaining ingredients and simmer for about 5 minutes. Serve on buns with your favorite condiments.

Crock Pot Ham (- originally from mamaliscious)
5 lb. bone in fully cooked ham
1/3 cup apple juice
¼ cup brown sugar
1 Tbsp. honey
1 Tbsp. mustard
1/8 tsp. pepper
Place ham in 4-5 quart crockpot and pour apple juice over ham. Combine brown sugar, honey, mustard and pepper in small bowl and blend well. Spread over ham. Cover crockpot and cook on low for 6-8 hours. Slice and serve. 12 servings.

Crock Pot Chicken
2 small fryer chickens
Garlic
Onion
Olive oil
Poultry seasoning (I use Badia)
Rinse chickens and pat dry. Rub with olive oil, garlic, onion and poultry seasoning. Place in 1 gallon freezer, zip type bag and refrigerate overnight. Next morning place chickens in large crockpot and cook on low for 6-8 hours. We like ours falling off the bone so we can make sandwiches with it. At the trailer, we are all about easy meals that can be eaten in shifts.

Over planning, as usual

2008-01-13T08:26:00.000-05:00

I really miss not rubber stamping. Daily I want to pull out my stamps and create something. I have come to realize that like my job, that part of my life has changed. If I want to work from home I will have to eliminate as many distractions as I can and my 5000+ stamps are part of that. I know hubby will be thrilled to see them go, and it will be nice to not have to deal with the mess they now have in my “office”, but I know I cannot get rid of all of them.

The boys ask me for cards at the holidays and when they go to their female friends birthdays. I have a few already made that I just let them pick out the inside saying and stamp it right then. I know it won’t be difficult to have a few for those purposes but I have some that I just love and cannot visualize letting go of them. Those will have to be the last to go.

Fred and I had a long conversation about his plans when he graduates. He and 3 friends are planning to move in together. He didn’t want to talk to me about it because I think he felt I’d challenge all his ideas. On the contrary, not only did I tell him the good parts, I gave him suggestions. I know he was shocked. I reminded him that I moved out right before I turned 18, so I really do understand his feelings of wanting his freedom from his parents. I’m hoping that if we have more of these types of conversations we will have fewer arguments here at home.

My plans for today are to get the Christmas stuff put away, the tree taken for recycling, under Fred’s bed cleaned out (I saw one of my ‘bottles’ under there when I was helping him look for a shoe), the boys bathroom scoured, kitchen cleaned, work clothes laundered, cat box cleaned, menu for the week done so we can get groceries, type 7 transcriptions, take 2 online tests and start packing.

I know that I’ll be lucky to get half of that done because it does not take into account the darling men in my life wanting to do other things, but at least I can dream can’t I? Of course, as always…… “If it is to be, it is up to me.”

Just call me snoop

2008-01-12T12:37:00.000-05:00

I completely forgot to put dinner in the crockpot yesterday! I've been waiting for that meal since I found it. What was I thinking. I'm moving it to tomorrow since Fred works tonight and hubby is out of town and they both love pork. Looks like I'll be having a few carryover meals for next week. Oh yeah, I'm not going to be here, what do I care?!?!?! Actually not being here is going to make meal planning much more difficult since part of the week will be the guys on their own here and another part will be up at the trailer. Oh well I'll worry about it tomorrow.

Yesterday was very blah. I wasn't going to work the full day but ended up staying. I'm really disillusioned right now. I know I'm going to be leaving in the next year and have both good and bad feelings about it. I need to get out of there before it turns upsidedown but I want to make sure that everything I do is complete, up to date and written out so the jobs can be taken over.

Jess and I did something yesterday we have never done before, we snooped.

The raises have to be in next week before I leave. The docs have had them done since Wednesday. They've not given them to me and Jess told me that Dr S said Dr G is going to talk to all of us before they turn them in. Dr G is never around anymore. That's part of the reason it has taken all this time to get them done so we are rather skeptical that it's going to happen before I leave.

She's office manager. She wrote out all the review for her staff back in September. They have not let her tell the employees. At that time they told her they would definitely take her input into consideration when determining raises.

We snooped.

They lied.

It's just not right, but I am not surprised at all. That is one of the main reasons I'm determined to leave. I've been there for 9 years, since they opened basically. I'm an administrative assistant by title but do just about everything non-medical in the office. Jess and I work hand in hand to keep improving the office and making sure that things run smoothly. We've worked very hard to have a good balance between putting the patients needs first and making the office money. That is no easy task these days with health insurance what it is. The docs 'have' 8 offices that their management company oversees. Our office is the only one that made money the last 3 years. Last year we doubled from the previous year.

Not everyone in the office has helped to make things work. Not all the employees are team players. Not all care if we continue to succeed or not. That's normal in all jobs. This is a small company so we can do things differently than in a major corporation. That's one of the really nice things. Jess and I have been told for 2 years that they are going to compensate those who go out of their way to work hard for the business. Those who are team players and do their best to help out where ever they are needed will be rewarded monetarily.

Once again they lied.

I find it very disheartening. I feel really bad for those who have busted their behinds to earn more money and are going to get the exact same compensation of those who sit around gossiping. I see that the only way is going to be to move on. Instead of convincing them that their hard work will pay off, I'm going to tell them to not pass up a better offer. I don't want to look like a liar because I believe those who haven't been completely truthful to me. The 10 words to live by can be shared with them.

Friday!!!

2008-01-11T07:31:00.000-05:00

What an interesting Thursday. I called the neuro’s office and spoke with my coordinator, Dar. I asked if she got my message from last Friday. She said that she did but since she had been on vacation, was trying to catch up. I understand that. She said she would be calling me tomorrow (today) to make my appointments. Not a problem. She acted like she was going to end the conversation and I was about to let that happen! I asked, “what about my eye?”

Silence.

Papers shuffling.

“What about your eye?” she asks.

“It’s still blurry.” I say.

More silence. I think she was actually reading the entire message for the first time. She said that when she read it she didn’t think it was serious and that it must just be conjunctivitis. After listening to the history of this, which I had already explained last Friday, it became more serious to her.

Short version is I made an emergency visit to my ophthmalogist to get checked, 3 hours later it was determined that I do not have macular edema, but indeed do have blurry vision. I do not have to stop taking the trial drug. That’s awesome. I have to use artificial tears to see if that will help, otherwise just deal.

I can do that.

I do not have to change meds. I’m thrilled. I can keep doing what I must to live with the blur. I don’t have to worry about this medicine ruining my vision. It’s not related. I’m okay with that.

Now I can focus on other things, like turning in the rest of my transcriptions, working ahead and packing to go see Jay next week! He called me 3 times yesterday. He is so funny. We are going to have such a great time! I’m not sure where I’ll be staying, but it will all work out I’m sure.

If it is to be, it is up to me.

Staying home sounds tempting!

2008-01-10T07:03:00.001-05:00

No major issues with Squeak, yesterday. I still do not know what was going on, but at least I didn't get any calls from the school and he came home in a good mood.

I on the other hand, left work early again. I still have not heard back from the doctor and because of minor family annoyances I have not called them back. I'm wanting to stay home today and take care of that and several other things but won't.

I'm really looking forward to seeing Jay next week and for the time away from here. I'm not even going to stress about what crap will go on while I'm away. I need to have the time for my mental health! Geesh, am I selfish or what! Oh well, it is what it is.

I keep meaning to post about our menu. So far, every meal has been received with happy smiles from all. Last night in addition to the 4 of us, the boys brought 4 friends home and 3 of them ate with us. Only 1 didn't seem to care that much for it, but his mom is an awesome cook. I just follow easy recipes. I'm not a cook.

The chicken 'n noodles was really good and very easy. Tonight it's Roo's Soup. They have already told me the recipe sounds blah so I'm pretty sure I'll be 'doctoring' it with something. Bottom line is, there will be a meal for them even though I'll be at school. There may not be any clean dishes for the m to use since they still haven't done them, but that is not my problem. They are old enough to deal with that on their own!

I must get moving. I still need to shower and then head to the office for a couple hours. I'm working on setting up the 2008 files so it will be easy for someone to take over when I'm not there. Whenever that happens

Teenage Angst

2008-01-09T07:30:00.000-05:00

We had a very interesting evening here. Squeak has something going on and won't share it with me.

He is a real hot head. He can be very evil when you "wrong" him. I think in another life he was a mafia hitman. Not really, but he has some anger issues!

From what I caught in his multiple phone calls last night, he's going to be fighting someone today. He told one caller that he should be the one to fight because he's never been in trouble before and won't get suspended where as the caller has been in trouble and will definitely get suspended.

Not exactly the thing you want to over hear from your 15 year old.

I'm torn between confronting him and risking him getting ticked for listening when he was making it perfectly clear he wanted privacy or letting him deal with it on his own and risking who knows what. I'm leaning to the confronting because if something horrid happened, I'd never ever forgive myself for not doing what I could.

I tried to wake him a bit ago and he told me he was sick. I'm thinking he might just need to stay home. I'll go take my shower and see what he has to say then.

GAH, teenage angst!

Terrific Tuesday

2008-01-08T07:36:00.000-05:00

I'm hoping for a Terrific Tuesday to give the week a better outlook. Monday was madness.

Our office manager, Jess, didn't come in because she had a family emergency. When I got her text saying that I knew it could be anything from her dad back in the ER for chest pain to a hangnail on her brother-in-law's, brother's finger. Emergency to her is quite varied. I was not at all prepared for the real reason.

Her cousin, Kareen, was evicted from her apartment over the weekend and had moved in with her. This cousin has screwed over every member of her immediate family, her husband, boyfriend's, bosses and anyone else she can. Jess is asking for a headache and I get to hear all about it until she kicks her out.

Back to the emergency, though, Kareen had lots and lots of extra large garbages filled with dirty clothes and they were sitting in Jess's living room. Jess needed to stay home and fix her apartment.

That was at 7:45 yesterday morning and it went downhill from there until I got home and was able to vent to hubby. After that I felt so much better, but was too wiped out to do any homework.

My neuro did not call me yesterday. I'm not too please about that, but it is what it is. I'll call there this afternoon if I don't hear from them this morning. I still have major fog in the left eye, but at least I can see partly out of it. Writing out the deposit yesterday was challenging with all those tiny numbers on the checks, but I got the job done and that's what's important.

I forgot to buy chicken for last night's meal so we had spaghetti instead. I'm hoping to get time to go get the chicken today so I don't completely throw out the menu! Time to get moving. Not sure yet if I'm going to do homework for a while before going to work or not. Priorities...

Back to the real world

2008-01-07T07:40:00.000-05:00

The boys go back to school today and I'm going in to work. I must remember to post my 10 words to live by, especially since I usually feel so overwhelmed at work.

I will also be meeting with Squeak's counselor about his dual enrollment next year. I have lots of questions. I hope the man has time for me this week.

Next week I'm trying to plan to go up and see Jay. Hubby isn't too keen on it but Jay is excited.

Short and sweet today since I'm already running late.

Meal Plan

2008-01-06T11:19:00.000-05:00

I have wasted the entire morning. I should be doing homework. I've been surfing! I'm terrible but honest.

I needed to create a menu but got a terrible case of the "but first's". I have this problem frequently!

Now that I've got the menu and recipes I'm going to get on to the homework.

BUT FIRST I'm going to post that menu!

Monday
Chicken-n-noodles
Tuesday
Spaghetti
Wednesday
One-Pot Salsa Beef Skillet
Thursday
Roo’s Soup
Friday
Slow Cooker Pulled Pork
Saturday
Pizza
Sunday
Quick & Easy Beef & Vegetable Nachos

Thanks to all those I snagged recipes from!

10 words to live by.

2008-01-05T09:07:00.000-05:00

I called my neuro and was told it is not a serious problem but I will be receiving a call Monday to let me know if the doc wants to seem me or not. Hmmmm, okay. Whatever. I can't change any of it so I'll just keep on doing what I've been doing. I did wake up this morning for the first time in a few weeks without the nasty crusties that eye has had. I even thought all might be well until I started trying to use it! Still the same, fog.

No problem, I got out of work yesterday and cranked through a bunch of school work! 1 more test/chapter (38 pages), 69 pages in another book and 25 transcriptions. The problem with writing it out is that it really is more than that. Before I can take the test in the first book. I have to read the pages, do the exercises in that book, then read the info on the CD that came with the book, do those exercises and also go online to read more, do more exercises, take quizzes and spelling tests before being able to actually take the test that I get graded on! Unfortunately, I've found that each source has info the others don't and of course is on the test that counts! Go figure. It takes me about 3 - 4 hours per chapter, without family interruptions! Then there is the other book which actually isn't bad at all, but those transcriptions take lots of time too.

It all has to be turned in no later than 11:55 p.m. tomorrow night in order for me to get credit. I'm trying not to think about the work assigned for next week that will be due the following Sunday evening or I'll lose my mind and consider giving it all up.

I get a weekly newsletter for medical health professionals and one of the articles really was good. I'm thinking I need to write this on the mirror in the boys' bathroom.

There are 10 little words that kept this man on track for 32 years. Each word is only 2 letters, but put together they are very powerful. I believe I need to post them in several places to keep motivated.

If it is to be, it is up to me.

Zzzzzzzzzzz

2008-01-04T07:53:00.000-05:00

This is one of the hardest parts of MS to deal with. All I want to do is sleep. I fully planned on doing school work last night but as soon as I signed off Mozilla and was about to sign into IE I decided to just go take a quick nap instead. HA I didn't get up until 30 minutes ago. Worse than that, I'm ready to go climb back in bed right now and if I did, I know I'd sleep all day.

I am vowing not to do that. I am going to go get some coffee and get right to the school work. Regardless that only one eye seems to work properly this morning and that my right hand is almost completely numb. No excuses. I'm going to work through to 9 then take a break to call the neuro to report the above conditions. I know they will not be happy, but I must regardless of the outcome.

Our weather seems to be warming up! I'm feeling terrible because my Jay had snow yesterday and not only does he not have a coat, but his car doesn't have a heater! My poor baby. Can you say guilt?!?!? But wait a minute, why do we have snow in Florida? Even though he doesn't live with us anymore he didn't move out of Florida! This is insane. I believe we are going to freeze ourselves next weekend when we go up to the camper! No problem, I'll probably just sleep anyway! :)

Mug Shots

2008-01-03T06:18:00.000-05:00

My best friend Jules and her 2 daughters all think my guys look mean in this photo, so I'm naming it their Mug Shot. Left to right are Jay, Fred and Squeak. Thanks to my wonderful friend for scanning and sending this to me! Back to the school work now.

Brrrrrr

2008-01-02T18:30:00.000-05:00

What the heck is up? I live in south Florida for a reason but Mother Nature is fooling me. I got woke up at 5 this morning by my weather radio. WTF? Hurricane season is over. I'm not expecting that thing to go bonkers. The weather advisory was for a freeze alert!

Freeze alert. South Florida. Those 2 words are not supposed to be used in the same sentence! We are officially under a freezer warning until 5 a.m. It is already 51 degrees here and quickly getting cooler. My Miami born babies are going to freeze their wingwangs off! They are currently over at the skate park breaking in the new wheels I bought them this afternoon. I feel some major sniffles coming on!

I was a good girl and had my mammo today. Tech said no problems other than the fibrocystic breast condition I've know about for the last 20 years. I thought it had been 3 or 4 years since my last one and found out my last one was March of 2003. Yikes! Bad me. I'm pretty sure the gyn will be longer. I'm making that appointment tomorrow and calling the Neuro about my eye situation. Help keep my accountable, will ya?!

I only have 3 more tests/chapters (102 pages) in 1 book, 69 pages in another and 25 transcriptions to be caught up! Dang that sounds awful. I was feeling pretty good about getting caught up until I typed that out. Now I'm wondering if I'll ever make it. Better get off here and start cracking again!

Happy New Year!

2008-01-01T13:45:00.000-05:00

Wow, 2008! Where the heck does time go?

I'm hoping and praying that this year is awesome. I know better than to think it will not have it's ups and downs but I want to deal with the downs better than I have in the past. I am really wanting my health to stay decent and not crash. That has to be my 2nd biggest fear. The first is the death of one of my kids. How freaking morbid can I be? But that is the truth. I would hate for hubby, my parents, or my siblings to die but I think I'd be able to handle that easier than one of my kiddos.

I made the goobers stand in front of the Christmas tree when Jay was here so I could get a picture of them all together. I then went and got Christmas cards made and we actually sent them out. My best friend and her girls think they all look mean! That totally cracks me up. They so did not want to do it, but for me they did. No smiles, but at least I got my pictures. I would love to be able to share them but since I still don't have my scanner set up and the cord to my camera is still missing, you are S.O.L.

Looking forward to the rest of the week because it is finally supposed to get cooler here. Tomorrow I'm finally going to get my mammo and will be making a gyn appt too. I know I need to be much more proactive in my health if I want to be around a long time to torment my guys so I'm starting off 2008 doing just that. My eye problem is next. I have a feeling it's the meds I'm on and as much as I don't want to go off them, my sight is nothing to mess with so I'm going to bite the bullet and deal with whatever I'm given.

Now I must sign off and get back to my mountains of homework or I'll be kicked out of school and I'm not about to let that happen!

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-25T19:48:00.000-05:00

I hope I remember how to post!

I hope your holidays are safe and peaceful.

I'm still attempting to catch up on my homework since that nasty blue screen incident last month. I'm over 20 transcriptions and 300 pages behind. I have until January 7th to get caught up or receive a big fat zero. I better get a move on it. Now that Christmas is over, perhaps I'll be able to focus on it and get it done. Of course I still won't have personal time to get online and keep up with my 2D friends until I finish school. And now we are unable to access non-work related sites at work, so I cannot catch up during lunch any more. Of course, I must remember that I'm going to school so I don't have to go to work any more and eventually it will all be fabulous!

Jay came home Saturday morning. It was awesome. Of course when he's here, I worry tons more because he's out there on his motorcycle. It sounds like he's going to be driving it back to school so I may never get another restful nights sleep again.

Fred and Squeak both got terrible trades on their interim reports. Hopefully they've corrected their problems or things around here are going to be nasty when those report cards come out.

Squeak has a rather wild girlfriend. He has come home with several hickey's and actual bit marks! According to Fred they are just alike, "nasty"! Hm, I don't think I like the sound of that. She seems okay around me but of course I'm used to Squeak's behavior and it makes Fred crazy.

Time to go put all the leftovers away. I really thought the boys would eat a lot more and that mom and dad would take some home with them. Oh well, I won't have to cook tomorrow, right?

The Blue Screen of Death Strikes

2007-11-25T14:14:00.000-05:00

My vacation was awesome. The weather was perfect. We all had a chance to rest and relax while enjoying the show. Squeak was sick the entire time so he didn't really get to do anything except hang out in the trailer. He didn't' mind too much because my niece was also sick and the 2 of them played P S 2. Unfortunately, I got sick the last day and still have not been able to kick it. One of the worst parts of my sickness, but it could be so much worse.

Fred did his report on my laptop on our way home. He is the only one who used it the entire time. We were in the van. No internet access, just made a word document and shut down.

When we got home I was going to email his report to him so he could print it out and turn it in.

Unfortunately, some how I acquired the
BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH
and not only lost his homework, but all of mine, also. I made the mistake of listening to hubby that the only way to fix this nasty thing is to reformat. So reformat I did. I mean I NEED my computer and it said that my things would not be deleted.

Not true. I have to re-type all my transcripts, my resume, my homework, etc. It's a disaster. I could not believe this could happen to my computer that I've not even had 1 year. That is what happened to my last desktop and Jay said it was because of the websites I let the boys on. He told me the only way to protect my computer was to password it and keep everyone else off it. I knew Fred was not on the internet. We were driving out in the middle of nowhere. I knew it had to be something else so when I got to work, I did a search. I learned a lot. Too late for saving all my homework, but at least now I'm armed with some knowledge.

In addition, I'm going to be getting a thumb drive and putting all my important things on it. That should also make it easier to send my transcripts to my teacher. Now I need to get back to studying. My final was rescheduled to the 29th so I must start memorizing all 500 word spellings and definitions if I plan on making it thru this class.

Hope your holiday was fab!

Nobody told me

2007-11-06T09:41:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling so unloved.

Not one of you told me about NaBloPoMo.

I've lost before I even began. I'm sad that I have no way of doing this. I know I won't remember it next year. Oh well. In a hundred years it won't even matter.

Time to get back to work so I can run home, finish packing and get out of dodge! I've not been this excited about going away in a long time. I even bought my bacardi's already. I'm looking forward to much cooler weather, sitting around the campfire, and relaxing!

New Month, not so new news

2007-11-05T12:53:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe it's been a month since I last posted. So much going on here. We leave tomorrow for the 35th Annual Fall Fuel Up where the boys will pull tractors while I study. I am so excited and can't wait to get there. There are lots of vendors at the shows and I know I'll find something I need!

I've been so busy doing schoolwork, catching up at work and dealing with teenage boy angst that I haven't even had time to pack. I hope to do some of that tonight so we can leave as soon as the boys are out of school tomorrow.

I got my awesome stamps from Wanda and plan on using them with my niece while I'm away. I'm also planning on working on some cards for the troops to send off to Debbie. If you have the 'urge' I'm sure she'd appreciate some cards from you too.

Back to work or I'll never get to go home and start packing. Didn't we get an extra hour this weekend? Who took mine!!!!!!!

Wonderful Surprises

2007-10-21T16:53:00.000-04:00

This weekend has been the best! It started off Friday night when I came home to find Jay home from college for the weekend! What a super surprise. His birthday was the 16th and I was so bummed all week because I didn't get to have a party for him and I haven't seen him in 2 months. It was amazing to walk in the house and see him at the stove. We didn't get to spend a lot of time together but I got the best hugs this weekend and now I know I'll make it till Thanksgiving. And even better than that, he didn't take his motorcycle back with him!

Saturday I had a garage sale with a really good friend. Only make about $60 but got rid of tons. We had 3 car loads going over and only 1 coming back so that totally rocked.

After the sale I showered and went to the stamp store to meet up with some friends I haven't seen in months. It was so awesome to see them, watch the demos, look around the store and drool and laugh my rear off. My friend Suez is such a riot. First time she came to my house, she grabbed the container of cookie dough ice cream, a spoon and sat down next to me and started eating right from the container! Fred about died. He grabbed a spoon himself and joined in with her. She fits in with my boys perfectly and doesn't mind the disaster we always seem to have here. It was great spending time with her.

Today was great because I also got to see Kyn. Jay didn't tell me she also came "home" to visit so I didn't know I was going to get to see her. It was awesome. She is the one who really convinced me to just sign up for school. I figure if she can work full time and go to school full time, one class is doable for me. I got to give her and Jay a 'goodie' bag of school things I've been picking up for them. Even though I know they are no longer a "couple" I still buy 2 of things to give one to her. She certainly deserves it and is always so grateful for the tiniest of things.

It was sad saying good-bye to them but then I came online and found out I won a stamp set from Wanda. I love Wanda's site. She comes up with the cutest things and has such great ideas. I love her stamping style. It really is "me" in many ways. The colors she uses are colors I love and the ideas she shares for altering things she finds are awesome. Thanks Wanda!

Then I ran across this site that has a list of contests and giveaways. Laura has so many different things listed that anyone can win. It is amazing to me that there are so many people out there just giving things away. How awesome is that!

Now I must close here and get on to the school work I've been avoiding. Of course I could work on my Menu for the upcoming week instead!

October is...

2007-10-05T07:29:00.000-04:00

My best friend lost her dad last Thursday and her mom last night. I'll be getting on a plane this weekend to go up and see her. Your thoughts and prayers would be appreciated.

My brother's birthday is Sunday, hubby is Monday, #1 son the 16th, SIL the 22nd, and dad's the 29th. October is such a busy birthday month for me.

I've stuck to my menu so far this week. Tonight I'm not. Too much to do to think about cooking. It will be frozen pizza's for us.

The guys didn't like the Fresh Tomato Pasta because it didn't have much flavor. Quesadillas were excellent and they loved the Fiesta Rice.

Now I'm going to go get dressed, take the boys to school and then come back home to get my homework done and pack. See ya.

Meal Plan Monday week 4

2007-09-30T22:13:00.000-04:00

I've started my homework, finished my menu, did my laundry and alienated my family. Not a bad way to end a month!

My best friend's dad passed away Thursday and I'm so upset that I was unable to go up for the funeral. That's part of the reason I'm working so hard to get ahead this week. Her mom was put in Hospice the day after he died. They've both been battling cancer for over 2 years and I knew this was coming; I just thought I'd have another day to get up there. Jules called me Friday around 6:30 a.m. His funeral was Saturday at 3 p.m. There was just no way I could work out getting there. I'm going to search for an open-ended ticket so I can be better prepared for the next one.

Now on to my Menu. Lots of new stuff this week. Let's see if I follow through. Last week was iffy but not outrageous.

Monday
Tuna Casserole

Tuesday
Fresh Tomato Pasta

Wednesday
Campbell's Chicken Quesadillas & Fiesta Rice

Thursday
Too Tired to Cook Meatball Soup

Friday
Potato Corn Casserole

Saturday
Taco Soup

That's it. Now I'm going to work on stuff for the office and attempt to sleep. Chao!

Meal Plan Monday week 3

2007-09-24T17:31:00.000-04:00

Last week was a complete wash as far as making a menu. Cooking and planning wasn't terrible if you are used to the 'flying by the seat of your pants' method like I am! This week I got a jump start on my menu instead of working on my homework. Bad me!

I have a new favorite snack food. It's Nabisco Garden Harvest Toasted Chips.I'm in lust with the Vegetable Medley flavor. Yum, yum. Much healthier than lots of other things I've been in lust with! There's even an offer for $1 off and a free sample. Go on, take a look.

Be sure to go over to Laura's place to check out tons of other menu's.
Now for my menu.

MONDAY – Supper Corn Chowder, Baked Potatoes w/ cheese, sour cream, bacon, broccoli

TUESDAY – Raviolli, bread, fruit

WEDNESDAY – Tuna Casserole, peas, bread/rolls

THURSDAY – Chicken/Carrots/Gravy in crockpot, rice, green beans, canned peaches

FRIDAY – Pizza

SATURDAY – Sloppy Joe’s, fries, baked beans

SUNDAY – roast of some sort, depends what I find in the freezer, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn

Chicken/carrots/gravy

Chicken breasts

baby carrots

Heinz fat free chicken gravy

Put the chicken and the carrots in the crockpot and pour the gravy on top. You can add spices if you like. Cook on low for about 6-8 hours or you can cook on high for a shorter time.

That's it. Time to go have my dinner.

Meal Planless Tuesday

2007-09-18T20:51:00.000-04:00

I tried to create a menu. Really.

My problem is a common one for me. It is called "But First" Syndrome. Not Butt First, but similar!

I was going to create the menu "But First" I needed to find recipes that are low in cholesterol because I got a "nasty" phone call (again) from the DR office that since I started this trial study my cholesterol has been too high. "But First" I need to find out just how high my cholesterol is so I need to replay the message they left. "But First" I need to find the phone. I replay the message and find out how bad I really am. Okay I'm back to looking for recipes.

I did a search for low cholesterol recipes. Lots of those to be found. So I'm going to pick out some recipes that I think look like they won't stress me or the family out and I have time to make. "But First" I need to find out how much cholesterol we are supposed each day because I noticed that they list the amount of cholesterol in the recipe. I do that search so I can now go back to the recipe search.

"But First" I have to go take care of the load of clothes in the dryer so they don't get wrinkled. Back to the recipe search and actually find a couple I think I can handle. Hm, seems to be all new foods which I know I'm not going to do and way too much work for this stress filled week. Better rethink this and try to find out if any of the stuff I already have here is low cholesterol.

"But First" I need to call the judges office to see what the outcome of the trial was because I got ripped off and didn't get to see it through to the end. You see I'm strange. I was really excited about having jury duty. I was looking forward to getting all the evidence, coming to a conclusion, hearing the conclusion others came to and go from there. Nope. Not for me this time. I sat through all the testimony, which I really enjoyed, and after we got the judges instruction and he dismissed us to go come up with the verdict, he announces that everyone except me can leave.

Huh? What did I do wrong? I'm totally freaked at this point.

Seems I was the alternate juror. What a rip off. I missed out on the part I was really looking forward to. That completely and totally stanks. So it was only a civil case and actually pretty lame at that, but I was really looking forward to the process.

Well by this time, I'm wiped out and thought a short nap would help. "But First" I remembered that I needed to pay for Jay's license plate so I'll get it in time to send to him before the old one expires. Of course by the time I actually got around to doing that, I was really wiped out and actually did go lay down fully intending to finish the menu when the boys got home, right after we went to the grocery store. Yeah I know that's backwards, but if I don't grab them as soon as they walk in the door, forget it and I really was not up for grocery shopping by myself.

So I lay down only to get woke up by my phone ringing. I think it's my phone. Oh no, it is my phone. Squeak has been trying to get a hold of me. Panic. I always panic when I miss a call from my kids. I don't know why, I just do. Seems he wanted to know if I was going to make them go to Open House with us tonight.

Open House?!?!?!? Tonight?!?!?!?!? I completely forgot.

Soooooo, instead of completing my menu, I went to Open House. I did get the grocery shopping done at least. Should I attempt Meal Plan Wednesday?

Busy day

2007-09-17T19:52:00.000-04:00

I had jury duty today and just have not had time to put together my menu. I probably won't post it until tomorrow. Will that make it Menu Plan Tuesday? Oh well it is, what it is.

Helping out

2007-09-15T13:12:00.000-04:00

Anna will be embarking on a 5K race tomorrow in memory of her father who passed away a year ago after battling 15 years with this ugly disease both my mum and I have. Her effort is near and dear to my heart so I wanted to help her attempt to reach her goal. Go leave her a note of encouragement.

Meal Plan Monday week 2

2007-09-10T20:10:00.000-04:00

Last week went pretty well. The ham in the crockpot at the camper was a life saver since I ended up being the only one cooking! Maybe that is why I'm having so much trouble coming up with anything that sounds half-way good this week. Forget about grocery shopping tonight, I am way too pooped.

Here's my menu.

Monday
Chicken, Beef and Rice left over from lunch at work
Tuesday
Spaghetti, garlic toast
Wednesday
Tater Tot Casserole
Thursday
Oriental Chicken Wings
Friday
Pepperoni and Cheese bread (carry over from last week because we had 1 ½ pizza’s leftover from lunch at work that I brought home)
Saturday
Slow Cooker Bean Casserole
Sunday
Easy Chicken Pot Pie

If I stick to this plan not only will I be shocked, but my family will be extremely happy. I don't have to go to class Thursday and hubby is out of town this weekend so I'm thinking things could be a bit different for meals.

Thanks again to Laura for her awesome inspiration. When I "grow up" I want to be organized just like her!

Time! I need more time.

2007-09-09T22:47:00.000-04:00

Returned from the camper about 5 hours ago. Unpacked, started laundry, made dinner, cleaned the liter box, started on our menu for this coming week and just turned in my last assignment for last week. At least I think I turned them all in. I'm in a panic. I have to go check.

Crapple Jacks, I almost blew it. I forgot to take a test. I just took the test and since I didn't study, (note the above stuff I've been doing instead) on got another 92%. This is getting to be a habit and one I'm not happy about. I really need more ME time and less everyone and everything else time.

I'm in a mood. I'm dreading going to work tomorrow and really just want to stay here in bed for the entire day. Since that isn't likely to happen I better get my rear to bed and worry about figuring out the menu tomorrow.

A week full of firsts.

2007-09-04T19:08:00.000-04:00

Boy was dinner awesome! I created my own version of Taco Soup and for the first time in ages had a happy family about my cooking.

This Meal Plan Monday has already paid off. Hubby and I were in and out of the grocery store in about 35 minutes. We basically stuck to the list. Basically because he just can't stay away from junk food. I took the meat out last night for tonights meal so thawing was not a deterrent as it has been so many other nights. I got home from work an hour late and immediately started cooking. Here it is an hour later and we're all done and I have time to run to the library before starting my homework. I'm even looking forward to tomorrow's meal. This will be a first for me, as are all the meals this week.

I cannot believe that I am actually going to do this, but here is my version of taco soup.

Taco Soup
1.5 lbs. ground beef (we like it meaty)
1 tablespoon garlic powder (my guestimate, I didn't measure)
1/2 cup chopped onion
1 can diced tomatoes
1 can chili beans (I would have used pinto beans if I had those or kidney if my kids liked those)
2 cans whole kernel corn (1 white, 1 yellow)
1 can Rotel
1 to 2 cups V-8 juice
1 package taco seasoning
Shredded Taco/Mexican cheese
Tortilla chips
Sour cream

Brown beef in pan large enough to hold all the ingredients. Add garlic powder while browning meat. Drain off any fat and add onions until they are tender. Add all the remaining ingredients except cheese, chips and sour cream. Simmer for about 15 minutes. (This would also be great to cook slowly in a crockpot.) Ladle soup into bowls and top with cheese, sour cream and chips. My family crushed up their chips and I used mine to scoop.
Yield 8 - 10 servings.

Meal Plan Monday

2007-09-03T19:17:00.000-04:00

I'm joining Laura and the other organized people and making my very first blog menu.

For years I used to make menus, grocery lists, etc. but with stress and working I quit. Now with stress, working and school I'm going to try again. I'm hoping to get to the grocery store before 9 tonight or this will all be for naught!

I've spent most of today looking for recipes that fit me....EASY and quick but still sound like food my picky boys will eat. I should have been studying, but hopefully this will pay off the rest of this week and let me feed the family AND have time to study.

MEAL PLAN MONDAY
Monday: Parmesan Chicken and rice (it didn't go over very well, but then that is part of the reason I quit cooking way back when)
Tuesday: Taco Soup
Wednesday: Pepperoni and Cheese bread
Thursday: Chicken Bacon & Swiss Melts Quick/easy Crockpot meal on my school night
Friday: leftovers as we make our way to the trailer for the weekend
Saturday: Crockpot Ham - should be easier than worrying about having enough to grill for all the family.
Sunday: Eat out or something with whatever ham may be left from Sat. (Will all depend on what time we return from the pulls.)

My apologies in advance to all who I snagged recipes from and haven't given credit to. I wasn't really sure I was going to be brave enough to follow through with this and didn't keep track of all of them. Sorry about that and thank you so much.

Next week I'm hoping to have another one. Now I'm going to see what groceries I need. Not too many I believe. That's why I picked much of my menu choices.

Thanks Laura for your wonderful site.