Reality check

What an eye opening day. Let me first say I know how lucky I am in so many ways. I know this and am eternally grateful for my boys our health and their love. Now on to my pity party.

We stopped by the camper on our way back from seeing Jay. Joe & wifey were there. Naturally she shot me daggers, but I tried to be civil and spoke first. I did the right thing. Then we went to the barn to see Joe. I tried to give him a hug & basically got the cold shoulder. I continued to try to be the same as usual but was getting the distinct impression he was only tolerating me for hubby's sake. I decided to go next door and give them time alone. I went back about 20 min later & when hubby walked over to the neighbor I asked Joe if he got my text messages. Yes he did. I told him we just wanted to make sure he gets the black car. He said he doesn't want anything. I said okay. He goes on to say he isnt going to say anything cuz he has nothing good to say. I quietly say okay. He continues and says he thinks we dont need to discuss anything. He tells me if mom needs anything I should tell her to call him. I have been cut out of his life.

Right now I feel like I am being punished for trying to stay neutral and for trying to get everyone to remember the good things about the others & to remember when all of this is over we are still family and dont have to see eye to eye on every thing. I feel like I have to choose one family member over the other. I cannot do that. So now what? How do I move on? This is pushing me back into that dark hole it took me years to get out of. I feel like I dont deserve anything better. I want to get in that hole, cover myself up & never come back out.

I feel like the more I try to do the right thing and the more I try to get my family to look at the others sides, the more I'm misunderstood and thought to be choosing sides. I just want my family all back together like it was before the wench my dad is living with came into our lives. Never before have my brothers hated me like this. Never before have I felt like a complete outsider. All because I have tried to honor my moms wish that we not take sides. There are so many moments that I think it is just not worth it. So many times I want to just stop trying to do the right thing. I know I wont because that is just who I am.

Instead, I come here, vent and cry and try to get a new outlook to be able to move forward and deal with yet another day full of loneliness, pain, anger and resentment without actually showing those feelings to anyone. Gotta hide the truth at all costs to protect mom. What a freaking nightmare. When are we going to just wake up from this and be able to sit around the campfire and joke about it? Oh yeah, never again.