Now what

I felt somewhat better after spewing my insides yesterday. Only somewhat. I left here at noon and went to lunch with my boys, an old friend & her kids. It was so amazing to see how much all had grown in the last 8 years. The sad part is they only live about a mile from us. We caught up with each other, were shocked, amazed and appalled at everything we've missed. Then I went food shopping with Squeak. $200 at Costco. I did not have that money to spend, but I gotta feed the family. Then I played on FB for a while before studying.

I read my comments and thank you both for caring.

I have a little insight into part of the reason I feel my kids have gone the paths they have. I'm not 100% sure I'm ready to voice some of it.

Fred was supposed to take his College Placement Test, many times this summer. Now he tells me that there are 8 pages that need to be filled out before they will even okay it for him to take it. School starts Monday. WTF is he thinking of?

I get to leave work, AGAIN, to take care of this. Not that I want to stick around here, but still.

Spewing

I have so much anger lately. I HATE my job. Well not really, I hate the bs that constantly goes on here. I hate that the office manager doesn't do her job and sticks me with it 8 times out of 10. I hate that 1 doctor does anything, any way that he wants and that the other 1 lets him. I hate that they constantly speak Spanish knowing full well that it is insulting to me. I hate that I get stuck fixing all the messes created by stupidity. I hate that 1 MA gets everything the way she wants and doesn't do anything she's supposed to. I hate feeling trapped here because they will be laying off 23 more at hubby's job and since he took that new position he's low on the totem pole again even though he's been there 20 years. I hate that we have spent all of our savings getting Jay through college and Fred out of trouble. I hate all this hate inside of me.

I want to scream and yell at everyone in this office. I want to tell them to do their flipping job the way it is supposed to be done and stop worrying that it's not "their" job. I want to tell them to own up to what they do and stop lying about it.

I want to run away.

Trying to come to grips with failures

Drug court may work. I'm still undecided. Going to AA meetings I am pretty sure doesn't. I am 85% sure Jake is done with drugs & 100% sure alcohol is still his buddy.

He's working nights and sleeping days. Hasn't taken his CPT for a million reasons most which start with "You didn't..." or "Since you're making me work..." But he's currently not doing drugs.

Hubby's 30th year reunion is at the end of this month and since we are afraid to leave our 17 & 18 year old kids home alone, we are not going. I never imagined that I'd be more tied down when my kids were older. How did this happen. Where did I go so wrong?

Silly question, I know how this happened and it tears me up inside knowing I could have stopped it. I also know that blaming won't change things or make it better but I needed to get it out. I have all these things jammed inside me. I have not been able to voice them and that is beginning to be a problem so I thought I'd try writing it down and see if that helps.

Needs

I really should get back to blogging. I need to unload my brain but right now I'm not up for it. I need to focus on passing this test but my heart isn't into it. I need to lose weight but I seem to be at a standstill. I need to quit missing so much work but between doctor appointments, kid stuff, running to Naples and my own illness I don't see that happening soon. I need to go to bed.

That I can do.